I'll just list them all here, there will be tons of them. I will add them continually, so check back often. I will always put the newest ones on top so you don't have to search for them. If you have any that I don't, please feel free to send them to me and I'll list them


One thing that archaeological discoveries have taught us.

Ancient people loved drinking from broken cups.

I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check

What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? 
One's really heavy, and the other's a little lighter.

Today in town, someone was killed with a starter pistol. 
Police think it might be race related.

It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, 
but what can I say? I'm a whisk taker

The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I'm pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I'm driving"

"I'm not saying that Jesus wasn't born in Bethlehem, but show me the birth certificate!!!" ..... Donald trump

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt was arrested by police in downtown Los Angeles, today. He was wanted for multiple counts of identity theft.

You may not believe this, but I actually do have good taste.
I just don't have the money to prove it.

If a man speaks and no one is listening, chances are his name is Dad.

Kinda sucks that Cinderella had to end up with someone who couldn't remember what her face looked like

I may not have killed that spider.
But thanks to my primordial scream
I'm pretty sure he is deaf now!!

Diet goal: 
I want to lose just enough so that my hand 
will fit comfortably in a Pringles can.

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding the other person is an idiot.

Sometimes I can't tell if my kids are a lot like me 
or if I'm a lot like a 4 year old?

I like how the first instruction of "stop drop and roll" is "stop."
Like you might have just kept doing what you were doing,
but in flames.

The average American kid watches too much television. When asked about this, parents looked up from their phone and said, "What kid?"

If it ain’t broke, 
my children haven’t touched it yet.

My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.

Whoever invented Knock knock jokes should get a no-bell prize

The other day I held a door open for a clown. 
It was a nice jester.

Sometimes when you're faced with an unpleasant task you just have to dig down deep and find the strength to get someone else to do it.

You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".

Girls mature faster than guys because men don’t usually develop breasts until their mid 40’s.

forgetting how to deliver babies is a midwife crisis

A friend once asked me
"how can you survive the weekend without any money?"
so I told him my secret:
I am always out of money!!!

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street, I tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what i have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody else does.
I also listen to their conversations, give them a 'thumbs up" and tell them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook!!
I already have four people following me:
two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist!!

Paranoid? I don't even know what that word means.
I don't have time to learn new words, people are trying to kill me.

When parents on Facebook post about how they can't believe their kid is going into whatever grade, 
I write "No way! I thought for sure he'd be held back!"

I've had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bums still haven't grown any crops.

I love how music can take you to another place. 
For example One Direction is playing in this cafe 
so now I'm going to a different cafe.

Being a baby seems fun. I mean aside from not being able to lift the weight of your own head. But the eating every 1-2 hours. 
That seems fun

The commercials say, “Tell your doctor if you have heart disease, kidney disease, or liver dysfunction,”
.Shouldn’t my doctor be the one who tells ME?

my best advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her. She knows how to make bad decisions and stick with them.

I'm still exhausted from my 2-mile jog. 
And I went on it four months ago.

Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.

I have no idea what swag is, but I'm fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is

It's like my grandpa who had dementia always said, 
a bird in the....did you check under that bed for Germans?

People are really judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.

Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

I am currently helping my son search for his chocolate
 that I ate last night

My mom’s voicemail should say “Leave a message and I’ll return your call as soon as I get my son to show me again how to work this thing.”

So my dad had a doctors appointment and after all the tests and x-rays the doctor asked to speak to my mom privately. He said, "your husband isn't doing too well" for the next 6 months you are going to have to feed him breakfast in bed every morning. Don't let him do any chores at all, do them all for him, and you need to have sex with him at least 5 times a week, other wise it doesn't look good' 
with a worried look, she went back in with my dad.
he asked her "What did the doctor say"
she replied "He said you're gonna die"

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

Saying "I'm offended" is basically telling the world you can't control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.

I always have a method to my madness.
It's just that sometimes my madness slightly exceeds my method

I don't understand why people have to say hurtful things.
Like "wanna go for a run" or " try this kale"

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Father: She will usually tell you.

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex.
But my wife keeps insisting it says Dyslexia!!

The sign said 'Free Range Chickens'. So, I took three.

Q: How do you think the unthinkable? 
A: With an itheberg.

The first rule of Alzheimer's club,
Is don't talk about chess club.

The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.

My fitness band congratulated me for walking 10,000 steps yesterday. It looks good on the cat.

it wrong to ask someone with a eye patch if it was it all fun and games up to that point?"

If there was a way to read a woman's mind,
I'm not sure that I would want to.
I hate shoes, shopping and gossip.
And I already know that I am annoying!

After 22 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at her family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

I've been known to seize the day 
but mostly I just hug it like a tired boxer holds onto his opponent when he knows the fight's almost over.

The real reason I've never done drugs is because i'm already totally crazy. you don't mess with this kind of perfection or insanity!!

I was watching the film, ‘A Perfect Murder,’ with my wife, and she told me she was getting scared.“Is it the story line?” I said.
“Not really,” she replied. “Stop taking notes.”

Don't you just hate it when you have a great witty comeback to someone's status, but you can't post it because you don't want to to acknowledge their existence?

I bet the sheep that make steel wool are awesome.

I could count the mistakes I’ve made on one hand,
if that hand had like a billion fingers.

people who like their own comments are pathetic!!
People who talk to themselves on Facebook are also pitiful, am I right?

Ping-pong is the perfect sport because it combines everything I love about both tennis and not moving

It's not that people use only 10% of their brains,
it's that only 10% of people use their brains.

you should know that you don't HAVE to be crazy to be my friend...
but it helps!!

Ironically, the easiest way to make a girl freak out,
is to tell her to calm down!!

I have removed all the bad food from my home.
It was delicious.

If you take a piece of cake and cut it in half
it then has half the calories.
And since it now has half the calories
you can have twice as much!!

On average, it takes three days for a 70-year-old to climb out of a bouncy house.

Sometimes I make a mental note and then forget where I put it.

It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.
Then I want to move in with them

The older I get, the more I lose my looks.
But I'm also losing my eyesight, so it's not my problem.

I was surprised by how poorly attended my high school reunion was until I remembered the graduation day bear attack.

BEWARE I bought the insanity workout series paid good money and I've watched it 5 times still haven't lost a pound. I'm gonna go get a BigMac and fries sit and watch it one more time! if I don't lose any weight I'm gonna take it back on the way to Dominos

Saying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.

You know those people who light up a room when they enter it? 
Well, I'm the guy who accidentally leans on the switch & turns off the lights.

Don't regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, 
good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.

If Europe uses euros, shouldn’t Africa use afros?

My new bumper sticker:
Honk twice, pause, then 3 times in rapid succession, then one long blast followed a medium length honk if you think I over-complicate things.

Doctor: "We got your test results back. I'm so sorry--it's Curiosity." 
Cat: "Oh No!!!!!

If really good-looking people are "eye candy" 
I guess that puts me somewhere around the "eye broccoli" category.

I like to put on my workout clothes before I go to the ice cream stand just to give people the impression that I earned it!

July 4th Tip:
This year, throw veggie burgers on the grill and next year,
 someone else will host the cookout.

You know you're broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.

The Facts of Life:
Anything you do for your wife or girlfriend that makes other women go, “awwww” will have every man in the room thinking, “What a jerk.”

It amazes me how much Exercise and Extra Fries sound alike

I hate when homeless people shake their cup of coins at me. It's like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.

Same sex marriage? 
I know several couples that would be happy with a some sex marriage!!

I don’t understand how people can call half a square of chocolate a “treat” or “splurge”.
When I spurge on a treat, I eat 2 bags of chips, 4 bowls of ice cream and 7 pieces of cake.

Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.

I would hate to be a centipede.
Can you imagine leg day at the gym?

“Pick a card, any card you like,” I said to my wife.
“Make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest of the pack.”
"Your a jerk!!! It’s our anniversary,” she replied, before stomping out of hallmark.

I walked into a dentist’s office. The dentist asked me what the problem was.
I said, “I’m a moth.”
The dentist said, “You’re a moth?”
I said, “Yes! I’m a moth. I act like a moth. I think like a moth. I’m a moth!”
The dentist said, “Sir, I think you want the psychiatrist’s office. He’s two doors further down the hall.”
I said, “I know. I was on my way there, but your light was on.”

I'm going to retire and live off my savings.
What I'll do the second day, I have no clue!!

“While having their evening dinner together, a little girl looked up at her father and asked, ‘Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?’ The father was very pleased to hear it and confidently replied, ‘Yes, my little princess.’ The girl then continued, ‘That's because mommy put you in charge, right?’” –

My son said to me "Hey dad, for $20 I'll be good"
I said, when I was your age, I was good for nothing!!

“Just once on Father's Day I wish my kids would give me a #1 Dad mug
 instead of one with my actual ranking.”

am planning on embarrassing my family on father's day. 
So, it's kind of just like any other day!!

My leadership experience is pretty much limited to those three consecutive days in first grade when I was line leader.

I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again.
I didn’t get pulled over or anything,
I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.

Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that’s just in case I find a cake.

My ten year old just asked me what the 80’s were like.
So I turned the Wi-Fi off and took away their smart phone.

my blond sister just texted me 
and asked what does "idk" stand for? 
I said I don't know. 
she said OMG! nobody does!

I wonder what people who type “u” instead of “you” do with all their free time?

Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We'll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.

It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. 
One you will see after a while 
whereas the other, you will see them later.

I get so confused when I'm about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?

I renewed my driver’s license today and was asked if I wanted to be an organ donor. I declined but did offer to give them my old harmonica.

Was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill.
People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it's ok, it was in my pocket.

I came home from work today and told my wife
"I think I've done something to my knee, it's killing me"
She said "Go take a hot bath"
I said " Why, to ease the pain?"
She said "No, because you STINK!!

I got kicked out of a store yesterday because I misunderstood the sign:
“Toilet out of order – Use floor below”

Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner said that the weirdest thing about transforming into a woman is that he still likes watching football but he no longer really understands it.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I don't know why we say "luckiest man alive" the "alive" part is pretty redundant, probably a pre qualifier to be considered for luckiest man

A lot of good conversations are ruined by some idiot that 
actually knows what he's talking about.

Today, I met one of those people on the bus that gets all angry and upset when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn

It has been proven that ALL male deer have buck teeth!!

I had a leak in the roof over my dining room so I called a repairman to take a look at it.
“When did you first notice the leak?” he asked.
I told him, “Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!”

I remember a day when people would say I was wise beyond my years. I think my years have not only surpassed my wisdom I truly believe my wisdom has been lapped a few times.

Last week,i did a bit of stand up at an old folks home. Tough crowd. They wouldn't answer my Knock-Knock jokes until I showed some I.D.

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

I asked my psychiatrist the other day if she thought I was crazy. She said, "No", so I put the flamethrower down.

Two interesting facts for you: 
1) Some pine cones look like poop.
2) I'm never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.

I visited the Louvre art gallery in France on my last vacation.
I asked if it was okay to take a picture and they said it was.
I must say, the Mona Lisa looks pretty good on my living room wall.

I went to the doctor this morning as I haven’t been feeling well.
The doctor examined me, left the room and came back
 with three different bottles of pills.
He said, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Startled to be put on so much medication I stammered, WOW, what is my problem?
He said, “You’re not drinking enough water.”

If violets were orange, poetry would be much more challenging.

When my wife looks at me she still thinks “I’d hit that”, 
but she is thinking about my face, not my body.

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he’d just seen.
Without batting an eye, the priest says, ‘Son, you’ve just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?
‘Flat on his face, Father, over by the holy water.’

how the heck can Dora call herself an Explorer when
 she only goes places already on the map?

I was trying to explain the concept of Twitter to my friend
He said, “I don’t follow you.”

When I was young I used to have an imaginary friend, 
now that I’m on Facebook, I have 287 of them.

I'm taking up photography because it's the only hobby where I can shoot people and cut off their heads without going to jail.

Idiots cause stress
stress causes depression 
depression causes physical ailments.
Conclusion: stupid people make me sick!!!

Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?

When I’m at a restaurant I like to ask the waiter, “What’s your most frequently photographed entree?

received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled.
I don't have a son in that school. That kid is one darn good liar!!

I like to wear a stethoscope around my neck so that when there is a medical emergency people learn a valuable lesson about false assumptions.

why is it that once a month, most women go completely mental for about 30 days?

From now on the word 'Calories"
will be replaced with "deliciousness points"

I once cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

A moron.
What do you call someone who reads the punchline first and then the rest of the joke?

My daughter asked me " If we ever go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?
I said, "No Way" it will take way too long to get there on a camel.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Didn't Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?

I saw an unemployed,homeless dwarf. 
He had a sign that said "No job. Too small."

Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your cigarettes

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."

If it wasn't for my random sputterings insane ramblings and wild hallucinations I'd be as normal as you.

The average octopus spends two thirds of its life rolling its sleeves up

I love the look on people’s faces, standing soaked in the rain 
at the bus stop as I drive past.
It’s partly why I became a bus driver.

As autumn approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the migration trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were each carrying two dead raccoons. “Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?” she asked.
“No, thanks,” replied the vultures. “We will take the raccoons on board.”
“You will have to check two of the raccoons as baggage,” the attendant replied. “You are only permitted one carrion per passenger.”

The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, whilst the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.

Some girl just asked me if she was wearing too much makeup
I told her it depends on if she is trying to kill Batman or not!!

If we're ever in a situation where I am the "voice of reason,"
then we are in a very very bad situation.

My electric toothbrush is broken so now I have to use my acoustic one.

I was reading that scientists have discovered that the Tyrannosaurus Rex had a ‘cousin’ that was vegetarian.
It must have been a bloody nightmare to have a vegetarian in the family when your arms are too short to cover your ears.

I saw a sign today that read: Tiredness kills, take a break.
So I pulled over and went to sleep.
When I woke up I felt great and was ready to drive again.
I was 5 hours late for work though.

I have learned from watching crime dramas on tv when the good guys yell "Federal Agents" at the bad guys, the bad guy always runs. Wouldn't it be smarter to yell "Prize Patrol" if you really want to catch a bad guy?

I had my appendix removed Monday.
There was nothing wrong with it, I just did it as a warning to all the other organs in my body to shape up or they’re out of here.

Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book,
 but every choice sounds terrible.

It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. 
They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

I think it's weird that you can get tired from over sleeping. 
I slept for 11 hours and woke up tired. 
Good thing I was still in bed so I took a nap.

The quickest way to a man's heart is to saw through the thoracic cage of ribs and sternum, and then penetrate the pericardium.

ESPN has announced that they are launching a 3D sports network. Industry analysts say this will absolutely revolutionize the way Americans don't watch soccer.

It really cracks me up that my family still thinks this is a phase!!!

Remember, You're only Young once!!
But you can remain immature forever!!

Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

New owners have taken over the snow globe factory where I work.
I hope they don’t come in and try and shake everything up.

I went to the gym this morning.
It was my 2nd time, GO ME! 
The first time I signed up. 
The second time I renewed.

I'm looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data

My boss called me into his office today.
He said, “I still think you’re not too bright at all. 
But you have come early to work for the past 2 years.
You deserve a reward.”
“Gee, thanks boss!” I said. “What’s my reward then?”
“How does a brand new car sound?” he asked, smiling.
“Vrooom, vrooooom.”, I said

“Seriously, you’ve never had a mobile phone?” asked this girl in a nightclub. 
“What if your parents died and someone needed to get hold of you?”
“Well that’s hardly likely to happen, they died 6 years ago!” I snapped.
“Oh I’m so sorry, you still sound really hurt?” she replied.
“Of course I am, I only heard about it 2 days ago.”

There are 2 reasons I don't trust people.
1. I don't know them
2. I know them

Women who chase after younger men are called "Cougars" 
whereas men who chase after younger women are called "Men".

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Extremely intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?

I accidentally wore a red shirt and khaki pants to target today, and to make a long story short, I think i have been promoted to assistant manager!!

I love it when I open the dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat

If you listen to a Justin Bieber song backwards you'll hear messages from the devil. Even worse if you play it forward you'll hear Justin Bieber.

I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself, 
“This milk must be seriously out of date.”

Last night I took the tour at the local hot dog factory. 
I never sausage a sight!

my daughter ask me what it was like to have kids
so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.

thinking about eating right, exercising, and quitting all my bad habits. But then I would attract too much attention, and frankly, I like my privacy.

I always thought i had a good imagination…
but it turns out it was just my imagination

I was on a plane once and asked if I could switch seats 
because I was sitting next to a crying baby.
Apparently that's not allowed if it is your own baby.

The kids want to go to Seaworld, but we can't afford it.
So, I took them to the fish market and as we walked through
I whispered, shhhhhh, they are sleeping!!!

Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens

I always seem to be running late. 
My ancestors came over on the Juneflower.

I wonder how many animals had to be jumped on the back of before we discovered that horses were okay with it?

I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet.
I get hungry!

I just want to be famous enough to have a 
Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.

“How would you describe yourself?” Asked the interviewer.
“Usually with words” I said, “but I’ve also been working on an interpretive dance if you’d prefer.”

Either you're in or you're out! There's no in-between. . .
unless you are doing the Hokie Pokie

Drinking water through a straw is the opposite of snorkeling.

I saw an ad a girl posted in the paper trying to find a mate, she was 5ft 3 green eyes. Don’t get me wrong most men don’t mind short girls, but 3 green eyes? No wonder she can’t find a guy.

Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?..............Neither did I. I was just asking.

I"ve gotten out of bed 365 days a year for over 45 years.
that's over 16,500 sit-ups and not one ab to show for it!!

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. 
When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?!?"

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said "WHERE ?"

Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a
 helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.

I've managed to avoid around 50 April fools jokes this morning.
However, I've now lost my job on the emergency services desk.

April 1st, officially the worst day of the year to have a cardiac arrest.

My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party. So I invited over all her friends and had them clean my house.

I always shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn't think I’m eating those two pizzas by myself.

There was a glorious time before social media when you
 would just lose touch with people

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

I ran a half marathon sounds much better then
I quit half way through a marathon!!

I'm just like everyone else.
I put my strait jacket on one buckle at a time!!

The true art of procrastination is picking the correct task to put off that will eventually not need to be done anymore

I went to the doctors the other day and I said,
 'Have you got anything for excessive wind?'
So he gave me a kite.

My 40 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and
 I'm worried about the 150 lbs. I've gained.

My wife asked me, “Can you explain to me why 
you spend everyday sitting in front of that TV?”
I replied, “Yes of course I can explain it. If I was to spend everyday sitting behind the TV then I wouldn't be able to see the darn screen.”

Stephen Hawking had a hot date last night.
She stood him up…
And he immediately fell on the floor.

Regardless of what my mom says, 
I'm pretty sure I would be able to fight my way out of a wet paper bag.

Woman: Houston, we have a problem
Houston: what's the problem?
Woman: Never mind
Houston: What's wrong?
Woman: nothing
Houston: Please tell us
Woman: I'm fine!!

I am very thankful that women are always checking me out
but I still think there should be more male cashiers

When Cats are sad:
Bartender: What'll you have?
Cat: shot of rum
(bartender pours it)
(cat slowly pushes if off the bar)
Cat: another please

I was in a bathroom and I saw a sign that said employees must wash hands. I waited a minute and no one came to wash my hands so I did it myself.

Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. 
Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. 
Its science.

Alex was teeing off from the back tees. On his downswing he suddenly realized that his wife, Mary, was about to tee off from the red tees directly in his path. Unable to stop his downswing he nailed the ball, hit Mary directly in the right temple killing her instantly.
A few days later Alex received a call from the coroner concerning her autopsy. “Alex, your wife seems to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and struck her in the temple. Is that correct?”
“Yes sir,” Alex replied, “that’s correct.”
“Well, Alex , I also found a large bruise on Mary’s right hip. Do you know anything about that?”
“Yes sir,” Alex said, “That would have been my mulligan.”

A mother pig was walking through the barnyard one day with one of her piglets. Suddenly, a raccoon raced out from behind the barn and scared the living daylights out of the mother pig. 
The little hog laughed to see such sport and the sow jumped over the coon.

I wonder how many people read my FaceBook statuses and say, “I hope he’s getting professional help”?

Technology is getting crazy. Apple has now taken the clock on my phone and put it on my wrist with a band! I bet 50 years ago they never would of thought that was possible!

News: Meth lab found inside Wal-Mart in US.
Officials became suspicious when they noticed an employee making a decent living.

When life hands you lemons, 
squirt the juice in your eye..
the stinging sensation will stop your whining

Don't call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious."

If you fill a Whoopee cushion with gravy,
 it adds a great new twist to a classic practical joke

Today is the best day ever. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring yesterday. 
The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside

My motto is "Never say never." 
Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...

(1). Go to pet store.
(2). Buy bird seeds.
(3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow.
(4). Wait for the reaction.

I know when I'm cranky, because everyone around me starts acting like idiots.

Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished

I'm gonna go stand outside
that way, when anyone asks about me
you can tell them I'm outstanding!!!

What is red and bad for your teeth?
A Brick!!

Having pets in the house is good.
You can blame all kinds of suspicious sounds
on them when you are in bed.
BANG!!!! What was that?
Probably just the fish!!

Brains are wonderful, I wish everyone had one.

I like to party like a rockstar!!
a very poor rock star who isn't in a band anymore
But still....

I gave an atheist a bible today, 
he just couldn't believe it.

Bit of advice guys:
If a girl tells you that she's lost weight
don't walk around and look at her backside and say
"I found it right here"

Whenever someone says that they did something "Like a Boss'
I assume they mean that they didn't do anything at all and
 are just taking all the credit for it

Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night.
He was so bad, a guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

Currently stuck at an auction bidding for a house with a lengthy corridor. 
I’m in it for the long hall.

I just cut myself peeling an apple. 
This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.

I only rap caucasionally

Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly: “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” replies Dolly.
“It’s true, no bull!”

I hope cats never find out how famous they are on the internet.
they would be bigger jerks then they are now

If it wasn't for my superior willpower,
I might be exercising right now!◕ ‿ ◕

How many mimes have died because no one believed they were choking..

I really thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweat pants had come untied!!

Exercise can add years to your life. For example,
 I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I'm 82.

I am Nigerian Prince. If you click “like” I send you 17 Billion Dollars.
 I am very genuinelyness

Why don’t the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' enemies just flip them on their backs?

Apparently, new research shows that finding a bargain 
can give the same excitement as sex.
That’s got to be true.
Women can shop all day and never be satisfied.
Men: two minutes and we’re out of there.

Math question: There are 36 Oreos in a 14.3oz package. If Mike eats 3 of those cookies, how many minutes before he' says, just forget it and eats the rest?

I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion.

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed, but I'm great at analogies.

marriage is a natural defense mechanism designed
 to help us overcome our fear of death.

I went to the doctor today cause my pee still smells like chalk.
They said it was probably from the chalk I've been eating, but i'm not so sure.

I don't like making plans for the day
because then the word "Premeditated"
gets thrown around in the courtroom!!

I lost my watch once at a party.
Then I say this guy standing on it while harassing this girl
So I walked up to him and punched him in the nose
I said, no one does that to a girl.
Not on my watch!!

I fell on my arm and had to have an operation on my funny bone. 
I was in stitches for two weeks.

To all those who complain that the burger in advertising 
looks much better than in reality…
Look at your profile picture and then look in the mirror.

Everyone hates me because I'm so universally liked!!

I am not bitter. 
I'm just unsweetened...

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes
 and nobody asks what the heck is wrong with you.

Two cops call the police chief on telephone.
“Hello, chief?”
“This is sergeant John. We have case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on a floor that she had just mopped clean.”
“Have you arrested the woman?”
“No, sir. The floor is still wet.”

I hate when people ask what I hope to be doing in 5 years time
I mean come on, I don’t have 2020 vision

Have you ever talked to someone so dumb that you can hear them misspelling words?

I've been told I’m not ambitious enough.
If only there was an Olympic sport for being lazy
That bronze medal would be mine.

When my parents told me to make something of myself, I don't think 
a mockery is what they had in mind

They say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Well, nothing has killed me yet, and I can still barely open a jar of olives.

Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Please answer quickly!

I bought a book when I was in China last year
called "How To Woo" 
I thought it might help me with my seduction techniques.
Turns out it was volume 2 of the Chinese phone book.

Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don't quote me on that!!!

My childhood self would be surprised I'm not playing with
knives and fireworks, just because I can

33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husbands... 
67% of pets say this crazy lady won't shut the heck up...

Its pretty cool how after so many years of marriage, a wife can gain the ability to finish her husband's sentences.
Like when He says, “Can I….” she says, “No”.

The first rule of Right Club is 
that the wife is the only member of Right Club.

The inventor of throat lozenges has died. 
There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.

I took the Eminem CD I’d bought back to the store, because there was nothing on it.
“Did you open it?” asked the assistant.
“Of course I did,” I said.
“Well there’s your problem,” he said. “You've removed the rapper,”

It would be some much easier for me to be compassionate, if compassionate meant smacking people in the head.

I come from a family that's not known for it's high IQ
. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

The thing that makes learning how to use chopsticks so difficult is that the longer it takes you to learn, the soggier your cereal gets.

I read in a woman’s magazine that the perfect husband is 
“wealthy, intelligent and has an off-button”.
I hate these distorted standards for men, 
how’s a regular guy supposed to compete with Stephen Hawking?

I was filling out a questionnaire and the question was
"Describe yourself in three words" 
My answer was "Lazy"

Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.

I'm pretending.
That way, when it comes time to tend, I'll be ready.

I just saw an ad in Craig's List
$35,000 – $40,000
So I emailed the guy and said, “The answer is -$5,000.”

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, 
but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, “Do you think I’m stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door.”
I said, “You’re not coming in"
He said, “I don’t want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car.”

PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won’t make you carry them.

The first thing my wife did was to get me to put the toilet seat down. In retrospect, I really don't know why I was carrying it around with me in the first place. . .

Why is it, when a snow storm is coming, 
everyone in the area gets a craving for french toast?

Women drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left!
How am I supposed to prepare myself with these mind games?

My wife and I were in bed when she asked, “Do you think we’re old fashioned?”
I replied, “Come into my room, I can barely hear you.”

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth.

I hate people who say "Age is only a number"
Age is Clearly a WORD!!

It's so cold, I just saw a woman at Walmart wearing 2 pair of pajamas!!!

There are two types of human beings found on Facebook. One who gets enormous amount of likes and comments on their posts. And the others are men.

If your wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled, .get the hint fellows. For Valentine's Day she needs a magazine rack

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't stop that murder

Not many people take kindly to me. 
I really like those kinds of people.

I’ve been searching for my stolen bed.
And I won’t rest until I find it.

I hate when my wife accuses me of something I didn’t think she knew about.

I was standing on the bathroom scale desperately sucking in my stomach.
“That’s not going to help,” says my wife.
“Yes,it will,” I reply, “It’s the only way I can see the darn numbers!!”

I wonder if I'd love my step ladder more if it were my real ladder.

After only giving my son two karate lessons, 
he said he didn't want any more.
Still, at least I got my car washed and my fence painted.

The best insult you can say to someone is “Who is This Clown?”
Because it implies 
A) they are a clown
B) not even one of the better know clowns

I have learned that if you upset your wife, she nags you 
but, if you upset her even more, you get the silent treatment.
Does anyone else think it’s worth the extra effort?

You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn’t that bad. It’s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping
……with a really angry bear near by.

I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides.
I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I’m sure that must have been a record.

I'll never forget the day my parents sat me down and said "we have to talk"
So we sat and they told me "Son, you were adopted"
I said "Really?
And they said "Yes, so get ready, they're picking you up in an hour!!"

my boss pulled up in a shiny new car today and I complemented him on it.
he said "Well, if you set goals, are determined and you work really hard and put in the long hours, I can get an even better one next year!!

Shouldn't the Air and Space museum be empty?

People always seem to get upset when you make fun of their weight.
They really need to lighten up!!

My wife and I decided to go out for the day. We went for a long stroll in the park, bought some ice cream and sat by the pond, feeding the ducks. Eventually she turned to me and said, “Have you had a nice day?”I said, “Yes thanks. It was 1987, the sun was shining and I’d just left school.”

How many calories are in 4 boxes of Girl Scout cookies? 
Asking for a friend.

Some ads on the television tell us not to use light switches if we smell gas,
I find it useful to always have a candle ready for such emergencies.

Last month I cut my energy bill in half.
Didn't work though.I still had to pay the full amount.

I ran from a fight once. 
My momma said “You either fight him or you fight me”
My momma got her butt whooped that day!!

I have lots of great personality traits. 
Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?”
Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.

Note: All restaurants are drive-thru if you drive hard enough.

I’m a really down to earth kind of guy because, you know, gravity.

I thought there was a spider on the rug, 
but it was just some yarn. 
It’s dead yarn now, though

American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work

I called my boss this morning and said, “I’m not coming into work today.”
“Why not?” he asked.
I said, “My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform.”
“That’s no excuse,” he shouted.
I said, “I know, but try telling her that.”

Not many people know, but I was in the gifted program in school.
Though my school called it "Secret Santa".

I hate street performers.
Then again, I’m a mime, so I can’t really talk.

The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until the guy making out with twenty different women seems like he'd make a good husband?"

I hate spelling errors so much. 
You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined

My son said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like "That won't work you idiot. Go get my umbrella".

I save time by showing up at my doctor's appointment already wearing a paper gown

Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon announced that this will be his final season of racing. You could tell it was time for him to retire during his last race when he had his blinker on the whole time

I went to the doctor and asked if he could give me something for persistent wind.
He gave me a kite.

I saw a sign in McDonald’s today, it said ‘we do not accept $100 bills
if I had a $100 bill, I wouldn't be eating in McDonald’s.

Legend says that when you can't sleep at night, it is because you are awake in someone else's dream.
So, if you could all stop dreaming about me, that would be great.

When I was a kid my dad told me
“I’m sick and tired of getting socks for my birthday!”
“You ungrateful man!” I replied. “It’s the thought that counts!”
I could tell from the look in his eyes 
he’d have kicked my butt If he had legs.

The sign of intelligence is that you are constantly wondering.
Idiots are always dead sure about everything they are doing in their life.

I would be so awesome if I had a twin and I was the older one. I would bug him 50 times a day, calling and saying "When I was your age" 
and describing what I did 6 minutes ago!!

Ice skating is just walking in cursive.

it must be so hard being a 'little person' and a parent.
Everyday is a struggle just to put food on the table!!

If there’s one piece of advice I can give you to the young single people, it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.

Just blew the sugar off my donut. Dieting is hard!

When bald people wash their face, how far up do they go?

I went into the kitchen this morning and said to the wife, “Is that coffee I smell?”
She said, “It is and you do.”

If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.

I once had a girlfriend who wouldn't stop counting
so I left her.
I wonder what she's up to now!

Bought a weight loss exercise video. 
After watching it 3 times a day for 3 months I haven't lost a pound.

Scientists have made a pill that tricks you into thinking your body is full. Unfortunately, it's filled with mashed potatoes and has 8,500 calories

Nike announced that this year it will sell self-lacing tennis shoes.
By the way, if you’re too lazy to lace up your tennis shoes 
you’re really going to hate tennis.

You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a glass of water.
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant

The level of pollution in the world today is becoming intolerable.
Just the other day I opened a can of sardines
 to find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead.

I’ve just taken up speed reading.
Last night I did war and peace in 20 seconds.
I know it’s only 3 words but it’s a start!

If homer Simpson because a Democratic Senator from Springfield, Ohio, He would be Homer Simpson (D-OH)

I'll have a club sandwich on rye. 
Hold the mayo. 
Cuddle the mustard. 
Whisper soft words of confidence to the lettuce. 
Gently caress the onion

Tried to donate blood today, but they had too many questions about where I got it.

When I was a kid, I would always put salt in my brother's cereal 
when he wasn't looking.
To this day, he still thinks that milk gets salty when left out for more then a minutes.

If life gives you lemons
Just throw them away and get bacon

Turns out a home DNA test kit isn't a good gift for a baby shower...OOOPS!

Know why single women are so thin? 
They come home, look in the fridge and go to bed, 
married women come home, look in the bed and go to the fridge

Betty White is literally older then sliced bread!!

I got a chainsaw in the mail today.
Now I have to send saws to five other people.

If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, 
they’d eventually find me attractive.

If you must lie about your age, do what I do... 
tell people you're ninety-seven...they'll think you look great!

I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.
As we were leaving the drive-way, somebody shouted, 
“You are an irresponsible father!”
I said, “Who the heck was that? Stop the car, son.”

I must be very difficult living with a wife who has OCD.
Every time you get turned on, she turns you off again

Winter is the Justin Bieber of seasons.
It's kind of cute and exciting when it first starts out
but then it just gets obnoxious and should just stay in Canada

My new years revolution is to learn how to spell

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Who wants to learn Roman numerals? I for one.

I fought a very valiant spider in the shower this morning. I admired his boldness and will, but unfortunately, he choose his arena poorly. For,when I am in the shower, I become the mighty Poseidon God of the seas........He didn't stand a chance!!
FYI - I stood outside the shower, aiming the shower head at him until he was safely down the drain!!

People always demand to know who farted as if they'll decide how disgusted to be based on who's responsible

OK, here's how it's going to be....
Love me or leave me...understand? 
Hold on.....wait.....hey....where's everybody going??

Time goes by so fast. Blink and your kids are grown. Especially if you have that rare disorder where your eyelids get stuck for 15+ years per blink.

If you don't want me to hit you with my car then keep your bike out of the lane that has a picture of a flattened bicyclist on it

Wanted: 100 trampolines to stack on each other. 
Seller must be willing to stack them/jump on them with me. 
Will pay $5 each. 
No weirdos.

My New Year's Resolution:
To make a handful of people believe I'm normal
before blindsiding them with my actual personality

Hope your holiday is full of family and fun. And good luck combining those two!

Here's a tip for all you single men out there.
make sure you marry a woman that looks sexy while disappointed!!

a Spanish magician says he will disappear at the count of 3
He says Uno, Dos......*poof*
Then he disappeared without a Tres........

If you're blonde and you know it stomp your feet! *clap* *clap*

you probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way the pets and children do.

Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I substituted a hot dog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi

if I was a zookeeper, I wouldn't even bother putting anything in the chameleon exhibit.

Actions speak louder than words.
Especially if that action is yelling.

I go to the gym so infrequently that I still call it the James.

If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm

I need professional help. 
A chef and a butler should do it.

I'd say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.

How do I disable the autocorrect function on a wife?

The holiday season is a time for family…but let’s try to enjoy it anyway.

Do not exercise so that you can live longer.
exercise so that when you are about to die
you can say to yourself, at least I don't have to sinking exercise anymore!!

If your relationship is so complicated that you have to identify it as such on Facebook, you should probably get the heck off Facebook and go fix it.

I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"? Darn firemen.

Went to a wedding of my friend, Ted the Optometrist. 
The best part was when the preacher said to the bride
"Do you, take Ted the Optometrist, to be your lawfully wedded husband
for better or worse? Better... or worse? Better... or worse?"

Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.

I'm going to be more productive today by making a list of things I don't have to do and accomplish every one of them

I have the same body I've always had. Adjusted for inflation, of course...

I am trashing the living room right now and spilling milk and cereal on the kitchen floor, then I will throw toys all over the yard.... this way the kids will be able to rest tomorrow.

OH NO! I'm sorry. I thought it was lime that heals all wounds. That must really sting

I wonder if my dog always follows me into the bathroom when I have to go potty because I always follow him outside when he does and he just thinks that’s how it works

I’m still kind of ticked off that they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.

Am I anti-social? No, not really.
I believe myself to be socially selective.
And I've selected to avoid most people

after four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

Why is it so hard to find a birthday present that says "I think you're a Whack job, but I still want a piece of your cake please.

It may be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact 
there is something seriously wrong with Eeyore

The average person farts 14 times a day. 
Finally, I'm above average at something!!

my first instinct when I see an animal is to say Hello.
my first instinct when I see another person is to avoid eye contact and hope it goes away

It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name...

 For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.

I don't think my face and my body accurately convey how good looking I really am

Why don't autobiographies ever end with the person writing a book?

A rolling stone gathers no moss, 
and that's the last time I hire Keith Richards to do my landscaping..

someone told me I am immature and need to grow up...so guess who is not allowed in my treehouse now

I'm shocked at the amount of condoms old ladies buy the moment they leave their shopping carts unattended

Forgot to close a finger quote.
Sorry the last seven years sounded so sarcastic.

I'd love to spend the holidays with all my loved ones, but after a few days, they wouldn't be my loved ones anymore!!

For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving
please resist the urge to brag

I wonder how stupid people knew they were being stupid before
 the slap to the back of the head was invented

If a vegan does crossfit, which one do they talk about first?

When I was older I used to love playing around with time machines

I never thought I would be one of those people who get up early
 to hit the gym every day. 
I was right

why is it that when the bad guys are shooting at superman, 
he lets the bullets bounce off his chest.
But when they are out of bullets and throw the gun at him, he ducks?

How to start an argument online:
1. State your opinion.
2. Wait.

I woke up screaming Sunday morning. 
Then I had to apologize to everyone in church!!

“You won’t like me when I’m angry.
Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources.”
...The Credible Hulk.

My wife was mad because I wouldn't ask for directions even though we were lost. So she makes me pull over and she says to a guy "Please tell my husband where we are.And say it slow so even he'll understand." 
Then the guy says " BURRR GERRR KIIIING!"

I think it's sort of mean for the closed caption on movies to say" Music playing". 
Wouldn't it be nicer just to not mention that?

I often wondered what it'd be like to be married to an idiot. 
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...

Bacon: low-carb and gluten-free. 
I think I just found the staple to my next diet.

Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t

I love a good nap. Sometimes it's the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.

Everyone comes into your life for a reason.
Often it's just to prove that you are still a terrible judge of character!!

Date someone who spoils you.
Who never tires of telling you how beautiful you are.
Who never thinks you've had enough to eat!!!!
Date your Grandma

I don't understand why people pay therapists when I'll tell them 
what's wrong with them for free.

One of my pet peeves is women who don't put the toilet seat back up 
when they're finished.

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, 
that's just science

I don't understand why they call them men's dress shoes
when they don't go with any of my dresses!!!

Facebook has ruined High-school reunions.
Now everyone knows you are totally full of it
before you even get there!!!

I got laser eye surgery a month ago and I still can't shoot lasers out of my eyes. Am I doing something wrong or should I get a refund?

Honestly, I love every single some of you.

My doctor told me I was actually shrinking.
I said tell me what that means. 
He said I'd have to be a little patient.

I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes.
I can see you're a train wreck from all the way over here.

Movie characters are always so awesome. If they wake up mysteriously in a hospital alone and beaten up, they just rip the IV right out their arm and slip past the nurses. I would at least want to see my chart first, and maybe get some juice

Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, the chicken was somewhere 
between 7' to 10' tall.

My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don't leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.

the hour we lost last weekend was the one that I was gonna go to the gym!!

when I'm bored, I like to think about people with their hands in their pockets, falling over!!

why do people call it 'Tuna Fish' but they don't say "Beef Mammal" or "Chicken Bird"?

I'm not quite ready to declare this the 2,847th best day of my life, 
but it's certainly trending that way.

If you need a celebrity to tell you to vote, you probably shouldn't vote.

l like it when I open a document on the computer and the monitor says 'WORD'.
 And I'm like, YOOO!!

Not having internet on my phone makes me feel like a social leper. 
Hanging out, all my friends are updating statuses, posting pictures and googling things. I'm just hanging out, checking my contacts list and re-reading old texts.

I'm just a fruit loop in a world of cheerios

Before forming an opinion on an important social topic, ask yourself: what would a completely unqualified millionaire celebrity actor think?

2 goldfish are in a tank.
one turns t other and says
"how in the world do you drive this?"

In the interest of fighting the childhood obesity epidemic, I've decided to eat all of the Halloween candy that I bought.

can you believe the guy from New York with Ebola 
went bowling before coming down with symptoms?
I wonder if Ebola perfect game

I was on a plane the other day and when it landed, the pilot said, "Those of you needing wheelchair assistance, please remain seated." I don't think they had much of a choice.

I've heard some people say that women are all the same.
I think that is a broad generalization!!

My Wife told me to stop impersonating a Flamingo
I had to put my foot down

No matter how little I do in a day...
.I always feel like I could have done less

You can never lose a homing pigeon.
If your homing pigeon doesn't come back,
what you've lost is a normal pigeon.

Rock is dead; LONG LIVE PAPER!

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet... what are the odds?

Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea and is very difficult to get rid of.
Is it a virus or a free U2 album?...

I tried to be normal once.
It was the worst 2 minutes of my life!!

Face tattoos are like regular tattoos except face ones let everyone know you’d rather not have a job where you pay taxes

I took the "What Kind of Parent are you?" Facebook quiz and my results came back "The Kind that Ignores your Kids While you Take Quizzes."

Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created six human beings from scratch, yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.

My son asked me what marriage was like.
so I answered "It's Fine"
And then gave him the silent treatment for 3 days

Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to know about your workout!!

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

The early bird gets the worm, but I'd rather sleep in and I don't like worms

I can't undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted

If I was a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious

FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don't eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.

I wonder if those guys who ordered that white boy to play funky music until he died ever got arrested

I’m going to go and find myself. If I’m back before I return, keep me here until I come home

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.

The squirrels must be gathering nuts. 
A bunch of my relatives have disappeared.

Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity.
I'm so glad I'm not a crazy person.

I would love to start working out, but I'm beefing up for my "before" picture.

FACT : sharks will only attack you if you are wet

It's a little sad that today's youth don't get to experience a red rubber dodge ball to the face like we did back in the day

MTV should change its name to Empty V.

Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.

Every selfie posted should come stamped with a number like limited edition prints. "Attempt 14 of 25".

Spouse: someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single

Sometimes you've got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don't have great childing skills either.

When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.

So one of my kids had a bad reaction to something and their face broke out in a bad rash. My wife is freaking out and wants me to take them to the ER and I'm like "Hey, don't make any rash decisions!!" then I high fived the kids. Now she's mad at me!!

You can't choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls

Some women are terribly hard to please…
the rest are impossible!

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. 
The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I'm making you up.

I'm so glad I grew up in the 70's and 80's.
I said and did so much stupid stuff
and there's no record of it anywhere!!

my neighbors put their Christmas decorations up early, so I put my Easter stuff out just to one-up them

Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, with a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT!

I am very selective when it comes to who my friends or family are. So I'm doing this once and only once. Now, I already know how we met, obviously. Why I would want you to post where we met is beyond me. If you were to post anything, wouldn't it be better to post something I didn't know? So, in 27 words only, please post how we didn't meet, and be specific!!!!

I don't trust people who smile before 9 AM

If you can't fix it with duct tape, then you obviously aren't using enough duct tape!!

If you can't stand the heat, you don't have to get out of the kitchen. Turn the thermostat down. It's probably too high. Be rational people.

It's time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops.

My electric car is in for service, so they gave me an acoustic one as a loner

I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. 
Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?

I wonder what "don't touch" is in Braille.

Somebody just asked me if I knew a good plastic surgeon. 
Would I look like this if I did?

I'm not being weird. I'm being me. 
There's a difference. A small one, but still a difference

Way too many stories about my family end with 
"And that's why we aren't allowed to go back there anymore!!"

Just once I'd like to learn something the easy way.

Just found out that if you play a Justin Beiber album backwards, 
you hear satanic messages. 
What's even worse is, if you play it forward, you hear Justin Bieber...

Not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

You always remember your first Crush.
Mine was Orange.

Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn't do the dishes.

I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...

I always say “morning” instead of “good morning”. 
If it were a good morning I’d still be in bed instead of talking to people.

I Still haven’t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket…
scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.

Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices.
He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

My kid: Why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check?
Me: I don't know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 1st of the month.

I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours 
after I wake up.

For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid

I think alarm clocks would be more effective if they woke us with motivational phrases like, "OMG, a SNAKE!" or, "THERE ARE ONLY 2 PIECES OF BACON LEFT!"

How am I supposed to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count and and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?

I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over

I get carried away sometimes… 
Usually because I refuse to leave

It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.

When i said I wanted to be a comedian, they all laughed at me.
Well, no-one is laughing now!!!

My Grandfather had the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo!!!

So, a toothless termite walks into a bar
and says, hey, where is the bar tender?

Don't you just hate it when you think you are buying organic vegetables but when you get home you discover they are just regular donuts?

If people say you're acting "really weird," take it as a compliment because you usually only act semi-weird and now you're totally nailin' it.

If someone calls you a freak just thank them.
Nothing throws people off like a proud, polite freak.

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way.

Here's the best advice of the day: 
If you call a psychic and they don't greet you by name, HANG UP!!!

I propose we add a new day to the week and call it "Someday," just think of all the awesome stuff that would happen on it.

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

Having a bad day?
Stop, take a deep breath and scream a the top of your lungs until everyone thinks you are totally crazy!!
The look on their faces should cheer you up!

Answered the door today and a giant grasshopper spit in my face 
and kicked me hard in the shin ,
 I phoned my doctor and he said not to worry ,
 there was a really nasty bug going around

I often laugh at extremely inappropriate times.
Not because i'm nervous or anything
Mainly because I think inappropriate things are funny!!

My wife is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. 
She don't know yet though, she's still in bed

You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space
 if you’re waiting for your mom.

If New things are supposed to be an improvement over their previous version, I would really hate to visit the original Jersey

If a 747 can carry a space shuttle on its back, I’m calling BS on an overweight baggage charge.

Women say they hate liars!!
But judging from their response if you answer the 'does my butt look big in these jeans" question honestly, they don't like the truth either!!

The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees" so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

A monkey was arrested today at the zoo when he started throwing lit feces at the zoo employees. 3 zoo workers had to go to the hospital with turd degree burns!!

If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die? –Chickens

Rumor has it that Wiki leaks is on the verge of disclosing what Willis was talkin' 'bout.

What does it mean when a girl calls you 2 or 3 times every single day?
I mean aside from the fact that she works for MasterCard

"Don't you hate it when you make a meaningful, 
well thought out quote, 
and the reason no one likes it ts because you quoted yourself?" - me

Last night I tried to go out for an Italian meal, but there was a very large lady blocking the doorway. I couldn't get pasta.

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.

’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

If you're an astronaut and you don't end every relationship with "I just need space", you are wasting everyone's time!!!

My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. 
Really stinking early.

How inconsiderate of that cop to pull me over.
It should have been pretty obvious that I was in a hurry.

Just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters. It's shift work.

I like people the most when I'm by myself.

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked wonderful or if it was just the 27th outfit she'd tried on & he didn't want to be late to the party.

My biggest fear is that I'm holding a baby and a rap artist asks me to put my hands up in the air like I just don't care

They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. 
But mine just points and laughs

I'd like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. 
Best not to risk it.

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread at the same time, the earth briefly becomes a sandwich!!

Do you think the person that proofread Hitler's speeches was called a Grammar Nazi?

I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, 
but I've been trippin' all day.

I somehow managed to get chocolate inside my shoe. 
And somehow mustered the bravery to figure out it was chocolate

If you’re looking to work 2 hours a day, 3 days a week for about $1000 a week
 please contact me! 
We can look for it together.

I decide to go on a road trip until I ran out of money.
made it to the end of my driveway and had to come back!!

This getting older thing really stinks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.

The healthiest part of a donut is the hole. Unfortunately you have to eat through the rest of the donut to get there ..

f normal is a relative term, then why aren't my relatives normal?

Electric hand dryers are great for when you want to just give up and wipe your hands on your pants.

Apparently there is a difference between Hamas and Hummus... So I have been avoiding my fridge for nothing.

If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate,, it is not me. I believe I’ve been hacked.

Exercising would be so much more rewarding
 if calories screamed as you burned them!!

7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10

Before social networking, you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great.

I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said, 'You gotta move -- you're blocking the fire exit,' as though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run?

I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.

Can't believe it. There's this girl that refused to kiss me in sixth grade while playing spin the bottle, and now she wants me to play Farmville with her. Looks like the tables have finally turned!!!

You know you’re getting old when you realize that your wild oats have turned to shredded wheat

It's crazy to think back before camera phones.
When everyone would stand in front of bathroom mirrors with sketchpads.

What is it with these girls that take 25 selfies a day, but yell "Don't point that camera at me" And hide their face when someone tries to take their pic?

“Careful, there’s dog poop on the dance floor.”
– how ballet was invented.

I think abs are for guys that don't have the confidence
 to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool

You know you're getting old when an "all nighter' 
means you didn't have to get up to pee!!!

The simple fact is, that Women are amazing...
Look at it this way:
A woman can grow a baby inside her body.
Then she can deliver that baby through her body.
Then by some miracle, she can feed the baby with her body.
When you compare that to a man's contribution to life,
It's kind of embarrassing, really!!!
The Father is always like, "Hey, I helped too"
for like 5 seconds!!!!

So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t just for throwing at people who stress you out? My bad......

Can't wait til tonight when all of my 288 facebook friends load the news feed with the same identical colorless pictures of their town's local fireworks!!

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That's about as organic you're gonna get out of me.

Condoms were created be used on every conceivable occasion

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

When Mike Tyson says “Bithneth”…… 
You know he really means business.

behind every successful woman there is a satisfied man 
but behind a satisfied woman there is an exhausted man

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, 
I didn't know you did that for fun.

Sometimes on FB, I intentionally post a status that is not hilarious, just so my friends think I'm human

Men are like dogs.
We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.

Thought I was inconsonant. Turns out I have irritable vowel syndrome.

If you need a Facebook application to tell you what cereal you are, I'll save you the suspense... you're a Fruit Loop

be careful what you post online because future employers might see it and want to hang out with you because you’re so cool

My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case

Who needs rhetorical questions?

Boss: Are you on drugs?
Me: You and I both know I don't make enough money to have a drug problem

Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo, 
and goes downhill from there!!

When A woman is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch then normal.
That explains why every girl I ever like as a teenager sounded like Batman!!

I just drilled a hole in my head.
Now I'm bored!!

If anyone out there can figure me out, I would like an explanation please!!!

Don't judge people because of mistakes from their past.
Judge them because of the stupid mistakes they made today!!

I like to throw hostesses off by shooting back at them with, "Do I look Native American?" after they ask me if I have a reservation

I have to start remembering my passwords, I have renamed the dog so many times he just looks at me with disgust now

Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories

If zombies ever attack, go to Sam's Club. They have walls and years of food and supplies. Also, zombies can't get in without a membership.

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested,
 they're not values: they're hobbies.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid; there's so many places they can hide."

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

I love my dad… he used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico, so, it was cool growing up with him ’cause when he hit us, he didn't really hit us.

You don’t get smarter as you get older. 
There just aren't any stupid things left that you haven’t already done.

Scientists have created a mutant version of the deadly 1918 Spanish flu virus in an effort to better understand how pandemics start. I'm not a scientist, but this is how pandemics start.

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Meeeee 
- Kanye West warming up

Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding 
that the other person is an idiot.

Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites

I think on my deathbed I'll tell everyone "pray for me". Then I'll give them an envelope to be opened after I die with a note inside that says "Pray harder next time."

Rap is like scissors, it always loses to rock

You know you’re a bad driver when Siri tells you “after 400 feet stop and let me out”

I'm no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him

To do list: Buy CD of ice cream truck music. Drive down the street blasting it. Watch kids get disappointed.

My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I'm bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...

The one constant among all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane's dog & she was like, "I've never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"

I don’t know how Godzilla doesn't hurt himself. 
I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.

I put a bumper sticker on my truck that says "Honk if You Think I'm Sexy" 
Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

shout-out to all the sidewalks out there.....
for keeping me off the streets!!

Sometimes as I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say “you’re in charge while I’m gone.”

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
Or really really mad.
Which would make you stronger 
Because of your 'hulk-like' anger strength.

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it,
 still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. 
It cost a lot to send him over there though

Whenever I feel like I am behind on technology, I remind myself that people are still calling in to radio stations to request songs

20 years ago nobody knew what gluten was, 
now there are only 3 people left in the world that can still eat a bagel

To my Mother on Mother's day. Happy Mother's Day!!!!
I'd like to say I'm sorry for all the dumb little things I did as a kid.
Just be thankful that you only knew about half of them!!

When I was a kid, I threatened my mother that I was gonna run away from home!!
She said, , “On your mark…”

Girls get away with wearing guys stuff all the time, but I wear one hair scrunchy and now the daughter says I can't pick her up from school anymore

Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam's ribs everyday 
to see if another woman had been created.

I don't make a very good first impression,
 but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.

Life isn't a fairy tale. It's a fill-in-the-blank choose your own adventure scratch & sniff coloring book with missing pages and random highlighted passages that make no sense to anyone but the author.

what do you call a nun with Alzheimer's?? 
a roamin catholic.

My 4 year old is going through a phase where he screams out what he is about to do before he does it. I had to explain to him that only adults on social networking sites were allowed to do that..

I wonder if cat parents are telling their kittens about the good old days, when they could sleep on top of the TV.

My daughter said she wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house!!

BREAKING NEWS: Cheese factory explodes---nothing left but de Brie

I'm at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn't have to get up to pee

I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person But, now I forget where I was going with this...

Selfie Sunday! Transformation Tuesday! Throwback Thursday! Flashback Friday! Never underestimate a woman's ability to find a reason to post a selfie

Besides watermelon, there should be windmelon, firemelon and earthmelon. They would be the elemelons!!

There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.

I didn't sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. I got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car.

The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook

I'm thinking about buying an exercise bike, my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won't accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.

Nothing bonds women faster than finding out that they hate the same people.

Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair

I hear that they have banned the internet in Egypt.
I guess they got tired of the pyramid schemes!!!

I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day 
without taking a picture of anything.

Me: Excuse me. Where can I find the milk?
Her: Sir, this is a library
Me (Whispering): Sorry, where can I find the milk?

I only eat the entire half gallon of ice cream in one sitting
 so that I won't be tempted to eat it later.

I've always pictured myself taking selfies.

We have the laziest Easter Bunny here....He didn't bother cooking or coloring the eggs and he hid them all in my fridge.

Looks like apple is coming out with their own ‘google glass’ knockoff. 
The screen is right above the eye.
 And you will be able to search the internet hands free.
It’s called the ibrowse

I just did 100 crunches.
Darn crumbs are everywhere now.

I don’t think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. 
Some call me a hero

They keep asking me when my birthday is at the pharmacy.
 I think they're going to get me something!

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called 'The World.' The soothing sound of gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under water.
There now.....Feeling better?

I'm really tired after participating in the 5 centimeter charity run for ADHD.

How come we live in a world where lemonade is made from artificial flavors & furniture polish is made from real lemons?

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it? 
It turns out that is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat.

School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was
 how to get ready in 15 minutes

If friends could be bought at the store, I'd buy you. And I'd get a good deal because those “slightly irregular” bins are always discounted.

my hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on!!

At The Gym!!!!
Eating pizza in bed... Darn auto correct!!

this has been driving me nuts, I must know the answer.
Do they have alphabet soup in China?

If you don’t have anything nice to say, say it sarcastically!!

the next time someone says "I don't know whether to laugh or cry"... kick 'em in the shins really hard so they'll know for sure.

Latest news from Egypt:
نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا 
I will let you know if anything changes!!نیست

If i ever have another kid, I think I'll name him Wussle. then everyone will think he has a speech impediment...

I put my grand mom on speed dial.
I call it instagram!!

I've heard a few women mention that they love to get gifts from men that take their breath away...I'm thinking treadmill

I remember when "selfies" were called "nobody else wants to take my picture."

My mom is so bad at texting. She meant to say "I love you" and she accidentally sent "You're a huge disappointment"... lol parents can't text

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and I thought to myself. "Well this changes everything"

The worst part of getting your Smart Car tipped over is probably trying to win enough Chuck E. Cheese tickets to get another one.....

If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember... you can always change your birthday on Facebook

I just pulled up beside a police car on the highway and waved frantically for him to pull off to the side. When he did, I walked up slowly to his window and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over today, sir?" He didn't find it as amusing as me.......

I'm a much better fighter now that I have a black belt.
 I was hopeless when my pants kept falling down.

Me: I'll have the chicken fried steak
Waiter: Um..... Let me get back to you
He then runs to the kitchen and yells
"YO, We Got Any Chickens That Know How to Fry a Steak?"

I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tire
 and then roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears

If I were a movie villain I'd make a bomb where the wires are all one color.

I think that if I were a cannibal I'd only eat vegetarians, for the irony.

Ladies, There is a fine line between a fitted dress and a sausage casing!!

If something goes without saying, LET IT!

I hate when the Doctor asks awkward questions. "Are you sexually active?" Depends on what you mean by "active". There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years.

A new study reveals that parents who spend more time on their smartphones have more negative interactions with their children. While parents who spend less time on their smartphones are really mad that they forgot their charger

Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? 
Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?

When a couple asks me for directions,
I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.
That’s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.

I prefer the term "personal lint trap" instead of belly button.

The power went out, thus no internet, couldn't use laptop, watch t.v, ipad went dead. It was raining so I couldn't fish or golf. I spent 5 hours talking to the wife. Turns out she's a very nice lady.

Starbucks is coming out with a new larger size cup...the Trenta. 
Which is Latin for *I Have To Pee*.

This is a very frightening statistic:
25 percent of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That means that 75 percent are running around untreated!!!!!

I bet Shaq never signs things “Love, Shaq”
 since the B52s pretty much ruined that for him...

What if they make a movie about Leo’s life and how he couldn't win an Oscar, 
and the dude who plays Leo wins an Oscar…AWKWARD!

Remember before the internet when people ate food and 
didn't need to tell everyone about it?

At the beginning of a relationship, I wonder if women rub their hands together and say "Let the games begin!"

Facebook is still the best way to keep in touch with people 
you don’t want to keep in touch with.

I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.

Well I was gonna donate blood until the lady got all personal and started asking 
"who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"

I can't wait 'til I'm rich enough to throw things away that accidentally fall in the toilet.

If you're the new guy at at work in a Chinese restaurant 
are you considered the Lo Mein on the totem pole?

Just replaced the cat littler with 44 packages of pop rocks...... a
nd now we wait.

I'm going to the gym now. 
Not bragging. 
Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

just read that women are smarter than men. Really?! 
Have you ever met a man that "fell in" the toilet in the middle of the night?

Dentists are going on strike...brace yourselves

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. 
I have erased this line

When God closes a door, he opens a window. 
Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. 
This has to stop!!

I learned that smiling suppresses the gag reflex... 
and some people wonder why I smile so much around them

I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they're fighting over the world's last Oreo

I am so devastated right now.
I just found out that the cootie shot I received as a kid
was just a placebo!!!!!!!

not sure which pants to wear tomorrow... 
smarty or fancy?

Thank you Mom for everything you have taught me over the years.....especially that toilet training thing.. I can't tell you how many times THAT has come in handy!!

Normal is getting dressed in the clothes you buy for work in a car you are still paying for in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and car and the house you leave vacant all day so that you can afford to live in it.

When people say “I'm not getting any younger!” 
I wonder what other basic life concepts they just figured out

Regardless of whether or not I should know better, 
I thought we had already established that no, I do not.

When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them

Why is it that when a bird flies into a window, everyone feels bad for the bird
but when I walk into a sliding glass door, it's suddenly hilarious?

Today somebody called me a model! 
Well they said "poster boy for birth control"
but I knew what they meant.

I like to walk around the fair with a giant stuffed animal I brought from home,
 ‘cause I need people to think I'm a winner.

The Olympian's stories are amazing.. 
The Ukrainian whose whole family was killed 
The Korean who escaped slavery
The American who never had wifi

First Shirley Temple...now Sid Caesar. A drink and a salad.... gone. 
Watch your back, Kevin Bacon.....

I met this guy today who said he has this spectacular dog who, when a stick is thrown 2 miles away, will still fetch it and bring it home.
that sounds a bit far fetched to me!!!

If before going to prison, the police let prisoners take their own mugshot
would they be called cellfies?

I am currently putting together a workout video called "8 Year Abs"

Everyone suffering from incurable diseases, hang in there.... 
I'm "liking" facebook posts as fast as I can.

In hindsight, allowing girls into our treehouse would have been a great idea.

I believe in equality. If we have five days of work, then we should have five day weekends as well.

The guy who figured out what kinds of sounds to make during karate 
was probably badly sunburned at the time

My New Year's resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. 
I have 20 lbs. to go.

Facebook just celebrated it's 10th anniversary!!!
Just think, 10 years ago you might have never known
that your mom's friends husband had a successful colonoscopy!!

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.

How many Denver broncos does it take to change a flat tire? 
One, unless it's a blowout, then the whole team shows up

Peyton Manning should have eaten a snickers bar before the game.
He plays like Tony Romo when he's hungry!!

I see everyone else listing what they are eating for dinner, so I figured I'd get in on the act.

Don't you just hate it when someone you don't like says something funny!!!

No man knows more about women than I do, 
and I know nothing.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children.
Nowadays, the average child has four parents.

At this point I'm guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds

I'd like to think that somewhere out there
There is a group of animals
taking a 'what kind of person' are you quiz!!

I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want
and she hasn’t stopped talking for 3 days

Balloons aren't so fun when you think of them as bad breath storage units!!

apparently there are stupid questions. 
They're the ones I ask my wife

I was making pancakes the other morning and a fly flew into the kitchen.
That’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter
And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry
And children are a lot like fly eaters!!!

I think that there are two kinds of people in the world: 
people who put raisins in cookies & people I like.

I asked my wife to pour some sugar on me. 
That stuff is basically like sand, and I feel sticky and itchy as heck. 
Darn you, Def Leppard.

I know it's been a long time since I was a kid and heard this, 
but I still don't understand how finishing my food
 is going to save a starving child in Africa.

I changed my voicemail message to a Justin Beiber Song.
If you listen to the whole song and leave a message
I WILL listen to it. Cause it must be important!!

I use to say “That's How I Roll” until I fell down a hillside. It was much different than I imagined. Now I say: That's how I scream & bounce

If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious

I feel bad for lions at zoo. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn't even eat them?

Nice part about being a man is you can tell any other man:
 Dude you got fat…and they don’t care. 
Women, not so much.

Why do people post missing person posts on facebook? 
Like we're going outside......

Saw a flying saucer today. 
It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.

"Careful, there's dog poop on the dance floor." 
- how ballet was invented

I told my wife she just needed to embrace her mistakes. 
She wept softly...and then hugged me.

If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook,
 think how much TV you could watch.

a lot less people would play darts if dartboards could scream!!

They now make vegetarian hot pockets for those you don't want to eat meat, but still want the diarrhea.

When your wife is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?”... don't answer.

I've just invented a new word: "plagiarism".

Giselle to Tom Brady - What is wrong with you? If i wanted a loser, I would have married Tony Romo!!!

If a thought originated in someone's mind
and didn't end up on Facebook
Did it really happen?

At what point does a muffin top become a busted can of biscuits?

Growing up I never needed to wear my seat belt 
because my mom let me ride in the trunk.

I was chatting with my wife the other day. We worry about different things. I was like, What do you fear the most? And she was like I fear you’ll meet someone else and you’ll leave me and I'll be all alone. And she was like what do you fear? And I said “Bears”

when I was younger my mom would always give me my food by saying 
"here comes the train, here comes the train" with the spoon. 
I always ate it as cause i was afraid if I didn't, 
she wouldn't untie me from the railroad tracks!

Some women are terribly hard to please, 
the rest are Impossible

I don't get the toilet seat issue that woman have. I won't put my naked butt on anything without looking at it first. Apparently some woman ar not so discriminating

Happy Birthday forever to everyone on Facebook!! 
Whew, glad I got that out of the way.

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper? 
I don't know, ask Hugh Hefner

I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food.
i don't even know where sandwiches live!!

The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast is because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow Butt

At times I wish I had a clone
but then I realize
I could never live with that idiot!!

When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, 
the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

I show people I love them by not spending time with them. 
It’s the best thing I can offer

Some say there is no difference between "complete" and "finished".
Let me explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.
" When you marry the right woman, you are "complete". 
If you marry the wrong woman, you are "finished".
And, when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are "completely finished".

If you've seen one kid on a leash you've seen the mall.

Only you can prevent forest fires, and last year there was over 70,000 of them. 
What the heck man. We trusted you.

It's not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, 
it's the gas can in her other hand.

I'm not one to brag, but I deserve a medal. 
I just rescued a piece of cake that was trapped in the refrigerator.

I dropped my Ipad in the tub. Now it’s syncing….

I always put eggs in a ziplock bag before I crack them open in case a chicken darts out.

Hangman is really a strange game.
You start with a quadriplegic, then you slowly
fulfill his dreams of having limbs.
and THEN you hang him......

I love meeting new people until they say something stupid. 
Most of my friendships last about 3 minutes.

Why don't people ever hoard good stuff? 
I if I were a hoarder, I'd have a house full of cupcakes and slip-n-slides.

When I'm bored I like to call in sick to places I don't work for. 
I'm currently getting written up at Kohls.

you really know it's cold outside when
you go outside and it's cold!!!!!

New Parenting Idea:
Take picture of yourself pulling your baby out of a spacecraft in the forest.
Hide picture in attic for child to find in when they are 10.

The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.

Cats just stop eating when they are full. Even if there is more food in the bowl.
I can't do that. I have to eat every last bit of cat food!!

I can always tell who hates their spouse by how much they post about loving their spouse...

If I was blind, I would say "That's something you don't see everyday"
To just about every comment

My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he's a lamp...what does he know

It is actually men, you’ll find, who are far more romantic.
Men are the one you will hear say:
I've found somebody. She is Amazing. If I don’t get to be with her, then I’m finished. I can’t carry on. I really mean it. She’s totally transformed my life. I may have a job and a house, but it all means nothing. I can’t stand it. I HAVE TO BE WITH HER.
THAT is how women feel about shoes!!

There are know stupid questions. 
Only stupid people

I made a startling discovery this morning, apparently someone broke into my house last night and stole my "baggie" jeans from last year and replaced them with "skinny" jeans

Remember everybody. DO NOT kiss anybody on January 1st.
It's only the first date!!

I really hate Hipsters.
Their Smug face, Vegan diet
Their tiny feet and sawdust bedding.
No, wait. Hamsters, I hate Hamsters!!

There is both a freedom of speech and freedom of silence......
a wise person knows when to use both

The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for half an hour...

Marriage tip: if your wife asks you if you would leave her if she were to become fat and ugly, DO NOT start laughing and say "I'm still here, aren't I?"

once you lick the icing off of a cupcake, it becomes a muffin.
And muffins are healthy!!

When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they're just thinking for the first time

Since my ear surgery I haven't heard from my doctor. 
Not sure if that's a good thing or not.

I met a farmer who genetically altered a chicken to have six legs so his kids didn't fight over the drumsticks. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn't know. He couldn't catch it.

What's the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? 
My wife wants to know.

today I bought a cupcake without the sprinkles.
Diets are so hard!!

If Santa's helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?

If a man says you’re ugly, he’s being mean.
If a woman says you’re ugly, she’s jealous.
If a little kid says you’re ugly, then you’re ugly.

If you hear someone sing Jingle Bells and you don’t respond with Batman smells then I don’t wanna be friends with you.

Zoo tip: Real Tigers often do not follow the rules of "Eenie meenie miney moe"

When my therapist said I needed supervision, I thought I was getting a super power

Midas' touch, Baby! Uh huh, 
I gots it! Everything I'm touching is turning to gold today.
Oh yeah! Wait. Never mind. Darn Cheetos.

Thankfully I did not invest in the stock market. 
I took the $2.47 I made last week and invested it all in candy.

Dear Santa,
I've been good all Year!!!!
Ok, fine. Most of the time.
OK, once in a while
Ya know what, Forget This!! I'll buy my own stuff!!

Wanna lose weight? Try the grapefruit diet. Eat something...follow with half a grapefruit. Eat something else...half a grapefruit. So far today I've had 94 grapefruits.

I don't know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all!

hey, whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... 
Not funny, grow up.

If I ever win the lottery, I'd stay the same person I am today. My poor decisions, however, will become gloriously epic.

Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are among Barbara Walters' "10 most fascinating people of 2013." 
In a related story, Barbara has been named one of the "10 most easily fascinated people of 2013."

I don't normally use the bathroom with the door open, 
but I don't want to miss the in flight movie

Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.

French people just give me the crepes.

I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a Hippy brother who lives in a recycling bin!

Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?

This darn Mcdonald's never has a fully stocked condiment counter. This is the last straw!

My mother's last words were "You can be such a pain sometimes." 
She is still alive, I just haven't talked to her since then.

Updating my status in the car. 
Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. 
Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.

apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon. He would then follow them up with "ah, I guess you had to be there!!"

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win!!

Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it.

Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you're a 3 year-old with annoying parents

Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped.

Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping.....Ha, try online dating

you know It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside

When a man first gets married he holds his wife's hands and gazes into her eyes when he talks to her. After many years he still holds her hands and gazes into her eyes but it's mostly for self defense purposes

Day 29: I am thankful for the fact that I do not have to see your 28 days of thankful posts for another year

Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....

Decided to lay down, unbutton my pants and watch football after my Thanksgiving meal. The manager at Applebee's was not happy.

A poll found that 55 percent of shoppers start their Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving. The other 45 percent are men

Bought a cheese grater for a blind friend... He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

My wife asked me for another word for incorrect. 
Of course, my answer was wrong.

now what can I do? I really need to go to Walmart, but I can't find my pajamas!!!

Thanksgiving is almost here. Don't forget to stock up your medicine cabinet with marbles, for all your sneaky relatives.

If Mama Cass had shared her sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might be alive today.

Victoria Secret unveiled their $8,000,000 jewel encrusted bra. 
I just can’t get excited over any underwear with the word "encrusted" in the description.

Bye, bye, Miss Canadian Pie
Drove my Ski-Doo, To the igloo.................................................. 
This was a dumb idea, Sorry

Who picks up a seeing eye dog's poop?

You know it's getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6

It's now very common to hear people say "I'm rather offended by that", as if it gives them certain rights. It is no more then a whine, it has no meaning, it has no purpose, it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 
"I'm offended by that"
yea, so what!!!

A good wife always forgive's her husband when she's wrong..

Are you all getting ready for Thanksgiving? PETA says today's turkeys are so fat, they can't stand up, they're prone to heart attacks, and they have trouble mating. No, I'm sorry, that's what the turkeys are saying about us. I had it backward.

My wife told me she bought a really sexy dress just for me. 
I’m planning on wearing it this Friday.

OK. Who wants to put on a bear costume and go on a rampage tearing apart the tents of people camping outside of Best Buy for Black Friday?

At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?

I just saw some moron trying to park their car for 20 minutes before they gave up and left. I didn't get to see the person so I'm not going to assume what gender she was.

A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together

The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That’s Cole’s Law.

I couldn't believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…

I remember as a teen asking my mother if I was adopted.
She told me "Not yet, but we're hopeful"

The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.

I have a friend who doesn't have a facebook or twitter account so he just goes around announcing loudly what he's doing at random times. He has 3 followers now, but I think 2 of them are cops!

Congrats on your secret admirer! It must be nice having someone who's ashamed to admit they like you!

NFL Injury report: Eli Manning as reportedly dislocated his non-interception throwing shoulder

Pretty soon you'll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."

Men just want to be with someone who isn't crazy but unfortunately most are only attracted to women

Does anybody else have a spouse who loves to play that game called “Yell from four rooms away and get upset when you can’t hear them"?

Botox doesn't make you look young, 
it makes you look like you think you're old.

Get it right people.
i'm not sick, I'm twisted.
Sick makes it sound like there's a cure...

Somebody told me they liked my name. 
I told then “thanks’ I got it for my birthday!!

I can't believe people still go to the gym when they can just post it as their status and go have ice cream instead.

I created a new shoe made entirely out of legos.
Now, when I step on a lego, it doesn't hurt, I just get Taller!!

I just hate daylight savings time.
i'm still right an hour ago on all my checks!!!

This is a test to see who reads my posts. If you don't read them do absolutely nothing. If you do read them send me $20.

When someone tells me “you’re gonna regret that in the morning”
I sleep til noon cause I’m a problem solver!!

What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?

Can't afford any decent costumes this year so I decided
 I'm gonna be an overweight skeleton!!

For Halloween I'm going to write "Life" on a plain white T-shirt and
 hand out lemons to strangers.

People say circumcision doesn't hurt. 
I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn't walk for nearly a year.

I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...

When I die, I'm gonna have pinatas at my Funeral so people can be happy.
But I'm gonna fill them with bees so people aren't too happy!!

Just saw a bumper sticker that said "Distracted drivers crash, hang up and drive."
Then I crashed into him because I was reading the sticker.

I never know how much Cream of Wheat to make for the trick or treaters.

My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. 
Would any of you like to go jogging with me?

There are two types of people I hate in this world: 
Nosy people AND people who won't tell me what the heck is going on in their lives.

Why do pickup truck commercials think it's very important that I'm able to tow a plane?

We have to stop this recent culture of people telling us they're offended and expecting us to give a darn....

I hate when people passive-aggressively post vague, indirect statuses. 
You know who you are...

With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears

New Facebook game:
The last person to not respond wins!!!!

Not sure if this is good or bad but
My therapist just offered me my money back.

Sometimes it's like my wife and I aren't even related.

I really question the marketing tactics at Wholesale Furniture Outlets. I've never heard anyone say "Oooh! A giant inflatable Ape!! I think I want to buy a couch!"

ll my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.

My wife said, "You always blame everyone else when things go wrong" 
I said.."And whose fault is that?"

Privacy is very important to me. That is why I only share sensitive information with my closest 480 friends on Facebook.

The first rule of condescending club is really kinda complex and I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you.

Stop calling them rednecks. The political correct term is NASCAR-Americans.

Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.

At the beginning of the Doctor's shift He placed a stethoscope on an 
elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 
'Big breaths,' . . . He instructed. 
'Yes, they used to be,' . . . Replied the patient.

If someone doesn't ask me, "What in the heck is wrong with you?" at least once a day, I feel like a failure.

So last night, I thought I heard a burglar in the house, so I called 911. Then before the cops arrived, i found out it was just a dog. So I broke out some windows and kicked down the door before they got here so I wouldn't look stupid!!

Dryer lint sure does smell a lot better than it tastes.

My Panic Room is every room I walk into where there is people

This year, for Halloween, I'm going to dress as a character from Scooby Doo and run around taking people's masks off.

The last couple of days I've been feeling really empty inside.....
these new laxatives are working wonders!

Today is a great day. 
The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, 
which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment

You may have a drinking problem if:
your husband/wife asks you to toast some bread for them 
and you raise your glass and say "Here's to bread"

forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.

Pro driving tip: Look in your rear view mirror. If there's a long line of traffic behind you but no one in front of you, you're the reason road rage exists!!

I think there should be a rule on facebook.
Anyone posting what they are making for dinner
has to make enough for the rest of us.

My wife said our marriage is becoming stale because 
I'm boring and never do anything spontaneous.
So I waited until she fell asleep and shaved her eyebrows off.

Just saw the headline:
"Twister kills 15 in Oklahoma." 
WOW! They must take that game way too seriously...

Calm down check out guy, you don't have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn't be in Quickie Mart.

Polls show that if the election were held today...an overwhelming majority of Americans would be very surprised

I have a reoccurring nightmare that I am startled by bank robbers who shout "EVERYBODY GET DOWN!" and I get shot in the face for dancing.

was at Walmart shopping the other day & heard a woman come over the loud speaker,"Attention Kmart Shoppers..." 
There was a long pause & then she said,"You're in the wrong store."

I once made a belt out of watches.
It was a total waist of time!!

Mom, I'm sorry for all the things I did as a kid.
Will you please take off the curse that my kids will be 10 times worse then me..
PLEASE, I am so sorry!!!!

Wife: "I'm sick of you teasing me about my weight," 
she snapped as she walked out the door.
Husband: "Please, babe, don't go," He pleaded. "Think of our son."
Wife: "What son?"
Husband: "You're not pregnant?"

Whenever I'm walking and see a car at a red light I like to wave until the person rolls their window down. Then I say, "You know, you can't park there"

Why is it that females can argue with you for 30 minutes, then finish it off by claiming "I'm not even gonna argue with you!!!!!!!!"

I am starting to think that I will never be old enough to know better!!

I'm participating in a 0.25K run to raise awareness for people
 with attention deficit disorder.

Really offended with these microwave instructions 
they told me to turn my burrito over gently,
like I don't treat every burrito with the utmost respect

I overheard two girls talking on the bus.
One was saying, "I'm overweight because it's a side effect of my asthma meds"
I thought, "what is she taking for her asthma? cheeseburgers?"

I just don't get life insurance. 
Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

My wife thinks I can read minds. Well, she hasn’t said it out loud yet.

Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors..

Well, it was finally time for a major life change, and I did it. After a lot of time spent soul searching and thinking about where I wanted to be whenever I got 'there", I realized that if i keep doing the exact same things, the exact same way, nothing will ever change for me. I decided I needed a new outlook on life. It was time to view things from a completely different perspective.
So, as of yesterday, I officially changed my favorite spot, and moved to the other end of the couch. the world looks completely different from this side. It's like I've been given a new lease on life with all my favorite shows, and I'm not going to blow it.

We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. 
She probably wasn't in the mood...

Just remember this, people
There are no bad pictures. 
That's just how your face looks sometimes.

OK. I can understand why you are mad at me,
but the horse I rode in on had nothing to do with it.

Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket
 where I can put my nachos?

You know you're short when you can see your feet in your driver's license!

Come on people, stop blaming me.
It's not my fault you thought I was normal!!

It was said that Fast Luke had the quickest hand in the West. 
Too bad everyone else used guns. 
Luke's final words reportedly were "pew, pew"

Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.

I don't need pepper spray to stop a robber, 
I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.

Let's be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, 
he would have made cows faster.

Chinese food to go - 16.89
Gas to drive and pick it up - 1.68
Getting home and realizing that you forgot one of the boxes ......... riceless

I need some medical advice, can anyone help me?
After I eat, I lose my appetite,sometimes for hours on end.
Also, late at night, I lose consciousness. Do I need a doctor?

Being normal?
I just can't imagine how awful that must be!!!

I don't have issues.
I have the whole darn subscription!

I don't understand why people say that the Mona Lisa was Leonardo Da Vinci's best work. I really like his role in Titanic.

I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.

I believe a lot of conflict in the old west could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

how come you never see sweatpants with the word "Classy" printed across the back?

The internet doesn't make you stupid.
It just makes your stupidity more accessible to others!!

I don't take steroids because I never want to look like 
I'm capable of helping my friends move.

I don't care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference.

It's going to take a lot more than a few “LIKES” on my Facebook page to make me forget what an idiot you were in high school.

Dear Algebra,
Please stop asking us to find your X
She is not coming back.
And don't ask Y

Growing up, I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there...

There's no way that scientists can prove to me that 
pterodactyls didn't pronounce the p

I was gonna give change to a homeless guy today,
but his sign said ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU. 
So, I held onto it just in case he was right

I once dated a girl. After we had dated a while, 
I asked her if it was OK if i bought her a ring.
She said "Nothing would make me happier!!"
So I bought her nothing.
I often wonder how she's doing and how her life turned out......

I finally gave my wife multiple orgasms, but she still isn't happy. 
Apparently it doesn't count if they are years apart.

I am pretty ticked that the NSA is monitoring 75% of our Internet traffic, and yet still hasnt responded to my invitation to Candy Crush

I'm trying to come up with a new Miley Cyrus joke 
but it's not twerking

God created the world in 7 days 
but took 9 months to create me. 
So clearly I’m a big deal...

I go to the gym so infrequently that I still call it the James.

I want a closed-casket funeral when I die. And in case anyone opens it, I want one of those boxing gloves on a spring to shoot out.

Four out of five urologists smell their apple juice before they drink it.

went to the doc and told him,
"Doc, every time I sneeze, I have an Orgasm"
he asked "What are you taking for it?"
I answered "Black Pepper"

Dallas Morning News reports that in preparation for the upcoming season, Tony Romo is on a liquid diet to prevent choking.

If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.

Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she stood him up.

My blood hound was just attacked by a crip hound.

I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....
I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them!!!!

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. 
There is nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I hate when I’m on the treadmill, and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and accidentally eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

When one door closes, another one opens.
Or, you could just re-open the closed door.
that's how doors work!!

My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally she swung open the door and asked "tell me honestly, do I look fat in this?". I replied "yes love, but to be fair, its a small bathroom"

This laundry detergent says I get 20oz free, but the cashier says I still have to buy the whole bottle.

that 'an apple a day' line is total hogwash. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White or any pig at a luau.

Everybody has a friend that is completely different
 when they’re not under female supervision.

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. 
in my defense, I didn't even know she sold jewelry.

They've got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it's awesome. It's got Mars bars, KitKat, Hershey's and everything!!

You may not have lost all your marbles,
 but there definitely is a hole in the bag

It's especially dangerous to run with scissors when someone nearby is running with rock.

Heat, pressure and time: three things that make a diamond.....
also make a waffle.

Tip for women:
All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them alone.

I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tire and then roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears.

How come when someone goes to sit down and the seat is dirty they use their hand to wipe the seat then wipe their dirty hands on their pants? What was the point

Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.

I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,, it’s 9.

Remember: Life isn't about having amazing experiences, 
it’s about making mediocre experiences look awesome on Facebook.

Wife: every time we argue, you think you’re right…. 
Me: yes, if I thought you were right, we wouldn't be arguing…

When a couple asks me for directions,
I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.
That’s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.

It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. 
Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

You don’t get smarter as you get older. 
There just aren't any stupid things left that you haven’t already done.

I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire
 to be the man of the house.

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights
 to save the environment. 
I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

When pharmacist gets sick……. 
Does the doctor give him a taste of his own medicine?

Considering that Iron Man and Batman’s only real superpower is being super rich and smart, Bill Gates turned out to be a real disappointment.

when I was a kid, I always checked my pockets profusely before putting them in the hamper because I was afraid of getting arrested for 
money laundering!!

Just had to ask myself, 
“What would a competent person do in this situation?”

I just saw a poster that said, “Have you seen this man?” with a number to call … So I called the number and told them, “no.”

My son asked me what’s it like being married. 
I said “You know how you have to eat your vegetables to get dessert?
It's Like that”.

I wonder during the election for Pope, 
did the other cardinals point to the losers and say excitedly
“you are NOT the father”

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, 
just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes. 
She cried & then she hugged me.

The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.

The Victoria’s Secret store in the mall has a
 “buy 2 get the 3rd free” sale 
You know, so you ladies can get your panties in a bunch.

All this talk about the Royal baby is bringing back bad memories for me. Last time I was third in line for the throne, I messed myself!!!!

I once dated an amputee. 
She single-handedly changed my life

Now working on my 2nd million. 
I gave up on the first.

People don’t realize how hard it is to write stupid things 
on a regular basis.

I broke my finger today. 
But on the other hand I’m fine.

Women spend more time thinking about what men think 
than men actually spend thinking.

According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.

Relationships are weird. 
"you're funny and smart" 
eventually turns to 
"you think you know everything and everything is a joke to you".

The new Royal Baby is an 8 pound boy!!
If my conversion rates are correct, He weighs $19

This weekend, a woman in Colorado gave birth inside a Wal-Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal-Mart not made in China.

I'm glad people are exercising 
but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB.
Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."

According to information given to me in my childhood, 
1 out of 5 pigs eat Roast Beef.

With women, you can either be happy, or you can be right. Never both.

you can always run from your problems, 
unless your problem is a cheetah

Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.

If she's freaking out, kiss her forehead, hug her and call her beautiful.
If she growls, throw chocolate at her from a safe place.

A word to the wise isn't necessary.
It's the stupid ones that need the advice!!

"I was playing chess with my friend and he said
 ‘Let’s make this more interesting’. So we stopped playing chess."

I could snap at any moment. 
Seriously, with either hand.

There are two kinds of people in this world, and I don't like them

Sometimes I notice the way my wife is looking at me and think, 
"if I could read her mind I'd probably be too terrified to live with her."

Couples who have been married for a long time start
 finishing off each other's sentences. 
The most popular being "Shut up.

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, 
they'd shower more and fart less.

I have this deathly fear of speed bumps.
But I'm slowly getting over it.

shouldn't there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid 
where Daniel's mom was like
"Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

I try to avoid things that make me fat.
Like scales, mirrors and photographs!!

I watched my first silent movie the other day. 
The kids weren't there.

When you think about how huge the earth is
And how it's just a fraction of the size of the Sun
Which is just a speck of dust in the whole universe
It's easy to rationalize eating a whole cake

Don’t try to understand women. 
Women understand women, 
that’s why they hate each other.

Everybody has that one mentally unstable friend.
I just happen to be that friend!!

The best gift that God gave man is the ability to translate whatever a woman says into "blah blah blah blah blah."

If you can make just ONE person smile, 
then you're probably a really bad comedian.

My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I've only got 40 pounds to go.

Ok it's been almost 30 years, And for the life of me....I still can't understand what Dan Akroyd was doing in the "We are the world" video

A walk in the woods helps me to relax and relieve tension.
The fact that I'm dragging a body is completely irrelevant!!

A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.

My 4 year old said “When I grow up, I want to be like daddy”. 
My wife replied “Pick one dear, you can’t do both”

You should never fully trust the person who seems to never have to get out of the pool to take a bathroom break

Sometimes I'm happy, then mad, then hungry and then chatty. 
So yes, I understand women. 
Great, now I'm crying

The Fourth of July is an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date.

There’s this band I really like called 999MB.
It’s having a hard time finding a gig.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I named my dog twenty miles.
Now i can tell everyone I walk twenty miles every day!!

If you're buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, 
I'm sorry to tell you it's not working

A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you'll ever hear. Unless it's 3 AM, you're home alone, and you don't have a baby.

That awkward moment when a Zombie is looking for brains and it walks right past you

If two mind readers decided to read each others minds
would they simply be reading their own minds?

Wives are known for giving sound advice.
99 percent sound, 1 percent advice

That awkward moment when someone ask me if i have friends
and I reply 'Heck yea, I have the box set'
and they meant real life friends, oops

the best way to understand paranoid people is to follow them around.

Laughing at your own mistakes can lengthen your life....
Laughing at your wife's mistakes can shorten your life...
-Shakespeare's wife

"Its not you,, Its me."--- Twins going through a photo album

With all the Potato Chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...

Taco Bell doesn't have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might crap your pants

Kim & Kanye naming their daughter North West
is like Alicia Keys naming her child Car...

Imaginary friend:
Great company in the park
But totally useless on the see-saw

After hearing a gun shot, 
Hank ran next door and found his friend Tony crying. 
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Hank asked.
Tony sobbed, “I had to shoot my dog.”
Hank said, “Oh NO! Was he mad?”
Tony replied, “Well, he wasn't exactly overjoyed.”

Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.

I don't like selfish people. 
I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night.
You think someone else might want one?

When I was young, I was always getting into mischief, and my mom was always getting quite exasperated by my antics. One day, mom said to me, “Bud, how do you expect to get into Heaven 
when you’re always so bad?”
I thought about this question for a little while, then replied, “Well, mom, I'll just run in and out and in and out and I’ll keep on slamming the
gates of heaven until St Peter says,
"For heavens sake, Bud, come in or stay out.”

"Illegally downloading pirated films is costing hundreds of millions of dollars a year" 
What site are they using? It's free for me

Women are like bacon
They smell amazing, they taste great
But they will kill you over time

I bet the worst part about being single is knowing that even Hitler found someone who loved him.

I am too lazy to walk a mile in your shoes 
so I will just go ahead and judge you.

Another 'World's Oldest Man' has died. 
This is beginning to look suspicious.

Last night I had a dream that somebody was making fun of me for having cartoony boxers instead of solid color or plaid, and my only retort was 'It's called Funderwear." Then I punched a dragon and it turned into a motorcycle!!

When I was younger, my mom would give me $2 to go to the grocery store and I would bring back a dozen eggs, bag of candy, gallon of milk, a box of tea and potato chips. 
I can't do that now though, there are too many surveillance cameras.

UGHhhh,, Spelling errors aggravate me SO much.
Just mix up two letters and your whole post is urined

IT doesn't seam fair.
How come Fathers only get one day
But sharks get a whole week?

Children seldom misquote you. 
In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

I invented a new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole
 if it comes within 4 inches of it. 
DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!

I wear glasses because I like to dramatically 
remove them to display anger.
It was awkward doing that with contact lenses

The only reason women's minds are cleaner than men's is because they change them so often!

I like sleeping cause it’s sort of like being dead, but without the commitment

Judging by how much I like to crawl back under the covers in the morning I think I'd make a pretty awesome turtle..

My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section

Dating Rule #7: 
When on a first date a gentleman always lets his lady
have the Burger King crown...
Cuz it will make her feel special....

I never understood why someone would put a sea shell up to their ear
to hear the ocean.
Why don't they just drop the shell, turn around and .... 
TADA!!! The ocean!!
shhhhh...... Listen!!!!!!!!

Always love a woman for her personality. 
They have like 10, so you can choose.

My wife is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and currently looking over my shoulder

I used to be crazy.
I still am but I used to be too!!

I still have nightmares about that time I gave my Eskimo friend 
a house-warming present

I ripped a 8 second fart and my wife says "You're gross." 
I ran out of the room yelling 

I just gave a cow $5 and it didn't do anything. 
Cow tipping isn't as much fun as everyone says it is!!

no-one looks back on their life and remembers the 
nights that they got plenty of sleep

Facebook is going to start making high school reunions really awkward.
"John! I haven't seen you in ten years! 
Wow, what have you been up to since that nap
 you took at 3 o'clock this afternoon

If there's one thing that I've learned,
 it's that I should have learned way more than one thing.

Cashier: Would you like to help feed the hungry today?
Me: Yes I would, That is why I'm shopping today!!!!

Some people don't know anything about women.
And those people are called 'Men'

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it's the scientists that aren't washing their hands?

I'm not saying that you may be dumb or stupid.
I'm just saying that you have very bad luck when it comes to thinking!!

Job Interview:
Interviewer: What do you consider to be your greatest weakness?
Applicant: Honesty
Interviewer: Honesty? I don't think honesty is a weakness?
Applicant: I don't really care what the heck you think!!

My sense of direction is terrible.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this!!

Camping - Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes

my favorite outdoor activity is going back inside!!

You know the feeling when someone starts talking to you about all the things you went through together , And you can not remember their name? Well, the wife's not a happy camper right now!!!!

There comes a time in every persons life when you are required to man the heck up. A time where you need to stare the devil in the eyes and casually ask, "is that all you got?" as he drags you through seven gates of hell. A time to say "To heck with the heliocentric model of our solar system, the universe in fact revolves around my Andromeda sized titanium nads".
For me, that moment was today as I discovered a spider in my helmet at 90 MPH!!

I'm not saying my dog is lazy, but instead of chasing cars, she just sits in in the front yard and jots down license numbers.

Some people never go crazy.
What truly horrible lives they must lead!!

I just ate a whole bag of chips
but it was reduced fat
so it was basically like going to the gym!!

I can't help being lazy. It walks in the family.

NEVER sing in the shower...
Singing leads to dancing....
Dancing leads to slipping...
And Slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked
So Remember.... Don't Sing!!!!

You say never judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. But sorry, I can't walk a mile in your shoes. Because you wear Crocs. And I won't be caught dead in Crocs. It's actually the reason I judge you.

It's always good to feel appreciated. 
My little brother just called to thank me for
"setting the bar so incredibly low for him."

My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words 'active' or 'sport' in it's name

Whoever said that nothing rhymes with orange clearly doesn't know the correct pronunciation of 'nothing,'

Shout out to all the Amish people reading this status ..........................BUSTED

I love how my George Foreman Grill separates the grease and fat, so I have something to dip my burger in.

We all have that one smart-alleck friend who....
oh, wait a minute, that's me!!

A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women's facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren't looking at her face.

Ever notice that people who usually wear sweatpants hardly ever sweat?

Life is like a box of chocolates.
It doesn't do well in a hot car trunk all day.

It would be funny if Justin Beiber turned into our modern day Michael Jackson and turned into an old black women before he dies

From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman's voice. 
Please re-read this one to make sure it's working.

In a surprisingly new Marital Sex Survey, 
men have reportedly finished the survey much quicker than women ....

Today is Mothers day, a day when mothers all over the world should be thanking that very special someone (Husband/boyfriend/one-night-stand) for making this holiday possible. I for one will be speaking for all men when I say, "you're welcome!"

I don't want to brag, but I'm single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work

It's sad, 'cause strawberries probably hear "strawberry preserve"
 and think they're safe.

I keep having this dream I'm being carried off by a giant squirrel...
Does that make me nuts?

Blood is thicker then water, but maple syrup is thicker then blood. Therefore pancakes are more important than family

If your wife tells you she has been worried about her weight...
do not, I repeat DO NOT tell her to keep her chins up...

If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. 
Don't slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.

If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do

When I'm in a good mood, I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.

i was in an elevator today and someone passed gas.
that was wrong on so many levels.

My Best Relationship Advice: 
Make Sure You're the Crazy One...

I feel less poor when I throw trash out in an old Target bag instead of a Walmart one

If you get a haircut in a salon and run out without paying, they can't run after you because they are holding scissors. it's the perfect crime!

There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator

Nobody likes the guy who stands in the corner of the elevator, hoarding the buttons. Then he asks; what floor? And he smiles, like he's doing you a favor. 

Whenever I worry I've been wasting my time on FB, I cheer myself up by remembering I have never seen a Twilight movie.......

No matter what mistakes I make in my life at least I won't be as pathetic as the guy who got eaten by a t-rex while sitting on the toilet in Jurassic Park

Just finished a great workout.... curls, lunges, and crunches. Does it matter that it was 12 oz curls, lunging toward a bag of reese's cups, and crunching into cookies?

here's a shout out to all the sidewalks who kept me off the streets as a kid!!

I wonder if the person who invented trail mix actually discovered it when they were cleaning out their car and moved their kids' car seats.

According to a global study, American kids are way behind Asian kids in math and science, but American are ahead in buying things made by Asian kids.

Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn't listening to begin with

Whoever came up with the term "one tough cookie" had no idea 
about the structural integrity of baked goods.

People are like books. You can't judge them by appearance alone
 and it's not cool to burn a big pile of them.

If you are asking me for directions in Spanish, you are likely to get lost in translation.

9 out of 10 husbands agreed that their wives are always right
the 10th husband hasn't been seen or heard from
since the survey was taken!!

Sometimes I wish I really was the last man on Earth,
 just to see if all those women really were serious

I tried making some rabbit stew one weekend,
 but the kids complained that there was a hare in it.

I just killed a spider with my shoe. 
I don't care how big spiders are 
no-one,I repeat no-one steals my shoes!

When my life flashes before my eyes, I hope it's not the special extended edition with all the deleted scenes I've blocked from my memory.

what if one day Google was deleted
and we couldn't google what happened to google?

Wouldn't it stink if there were thousands of other planets that had life, and we on Earth were the ONLY ones who didn't know? 
And we were the butt of alien's jokes, like "You're stupid as an Earthling."

After knocking all the men's hats off, I was escorted out of the safety meeting screaming "I can dance if I want to".......

Women complain that their husbands can push all their buttons.
Men complain it's not true,they have never found the mute button

Its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn't sure how to spell, and yes I Googled embarrassing.

People claim ‘Camping is a tradition in my family”, 
I say “it was a tradition in everyone’s family until we invented the HOUSE

My wife has been at a baby shower for like 3 hours. 
That baby's gotta be so clean by now. Girls are weird...

"Fart" is such a crude word. 
I prefer "Song of the South."

I totally failed a safety and health course today.
The question was, in the event of a fire,what steps should you take
apparently, "really big ones" was't the correct answer!!

I set the voice on my GPS to 'Bon Jovi'
now it just keeps telling me "We're half way there"

I rode in an ambulance today....
I can't believe they just leave those thing running in front of the ER
 like a valet service.

What if P Diddy's real name was Pete Diddy and we just misheard him 
and now he just goes with it because it's too late to correct everyone, 
but every night he goes home and cries 
and whispers to himself "My name is Pete".

If you pull the pin out of a grenade, 
can you put it back in and let go? 
I'm going to need a quick answer for this....

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. 
I was like, 0mg!

What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, 
and Helium just brings it back to normal?

neutering your dog makes then less nuts...

I once had a girlfriend who wrote on a balloon, “Will you propose to me?” 
- So I immediately popped the question.

I just can’t stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks 
that I have let down by failing to “stay cool”

It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory.
 I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like,
 "Eww, okay. That's yours now."

I want to start a band called "Day Job" 
so that when we play and people say "don't quit your day job"
 I'll be like "thanks we practice a lot".

A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

When my wife picks a restaurant that I don’t like, 
I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. 
Problem solved.

I've just been accused of being 'a plagiarist'! Their words, not mine.

Every book you have ever read of just a different combination of the same 26 letters

I now realize that I never really wanted to grow up
I just wanted to grow tall enough to reach the cookies!!

I know my limits. 
I don’t pay any attention to them, 
but I know them.

Going to a funeral of a very dear old woman. She was known as a great lover of animals owning a variety of parrots, cats, dogs, pigs, cows and horses. She was even an expert on varies types of Arachnids. 
Sigh. If only she didn't swallow that fly.

It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs
 telling deer where to cross the road.

I never tip restroom attendants because they already got to listen to me go to the bathroom, and you can't really put a price on that.

I go to the gym once a week
but I don't have to go inside. 
I get all my exercise walking to the ice cream shop next door.

Homeless people wouldn't be half as poor if they didn't waste
 all of their money on sharpies and cardboard

Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are overweight.

How was it possible that the three bears had porridge all at different temperatures? Someone is lying

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. 
No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle

For every photo a girl posts of herself, there are 27 others in the exact same pose that weren't quite good enough.

I saw a sign today that said
"The Fool wonders, but the wise asks"
and I couldn't help but wonder what that that means.....

So, I got hired to watch the neighbor’s animals while they are on vacation. So I go over there and go inside and try to pet the cat and it bites me. So I started cussing at it and chasing it with a water gun, shooting at it and then I chased it into their room, and there they were, just lying there staring at me. They actually leave tomorrow; I got my days mixed up. Oh yea, and I got fired!!

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

I accidentally went into the ladies room at Target and now I'm stuck in a stall because too many women keep coming in and out.

I just went down to McDonald's in Harlem. 
I don't get what all the hype is about. This shake is pretty normal

"Today its Sunday" Forward this to 15 friends,.. 
within 7 days you"ll get another Sunday. it really works... 
One of my friends ignored it and he got Monday within 24 hours

Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy
 that I don't even do anything about it.

I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest

Looks like the Dallas Cowboys and Tony Romo 
have mutually signed a brand new
"NO Superbowl for 6 years" contract!!

If a guy named David has his ID stolen
do I then have to call him Dav?

Ever look around the room at your family and think to yourself
"it's amazing I turned out as good as I did?"
Then realize you said it aloud?

How are middle schoolers sexually active? 
I wasn't even socially active.
I'm still not socially active..
I'm not even active.

I save a lot of money on therapy because my 
childhood imaginary friend earned his PhD in psychology.

I told my wife to stop treating me like a child.
She gave me a sticker for standing up for myself!

The man who created knock knock jokes deserves a no-bell prize.

Hating people takes too much energy.
So, I just pretend they are dead

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous

After the latest cruise mishaps,
Carnival Cruise Lines should just change their slogan to
"Still better than the Titanic!!!"