I'll just list them all here, there will be tons of them. I will add them continually, so check back often. I will always put the newest ones on top so you don't have to search for them. If you have any that I don't, please feel free to send them to me and I'll list them



 


If something goes without saying, LET IT!

I hate when the Doctor asks awkward questions. "Are you sexually active?" Depends on what you mean by "active". There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years.

A new study reveals that parents who spend more time on their smartphones have more negative interactions with their children. While parents who spend less time on their smartphones are really mad that they forgot their charger

Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? 
Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?

When a couple asks me for directions,
I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.
That’s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.

I prefer the term "personal lint trap" instead of belly button.

The power went out, thus no internet, couldn't use laptop, watch t.v, ipad went dead. It was raining so I couldn't fish or golf. I spent 5 hours talking to the wife. Turns out she's a very nice lady.

Starbucks is coming out with a new larger size cup...the Trenta. 
Which is Latin for *I Have To Pee*.

This is a very frightening statistic:
25 percent of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That means that 75 percent are running around untreated!!!!!

I bet Shaq never signs things “Love, Shaq”
 since the B52s pretty much ruined that for him...

What if they make a movie about Leo’s life and how he couldn't win an Oscar, 
and the dude who plays Leo wins an Oscar…AWKWARD!

Remember before the internet when people ate food and 
didn't need to tell everyone about it?

At the beginning of a relationship, I wonder if women rub their hands together and say "Let the games begin!"

Facebook is still the best way to keep in touch with people 
you don’t want to keep in touch with.

I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.

Well I was gonna donate blood until the lady got all personal and started asking 
"who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"

I can't wait 'til I'm rich enough to throw things away that accidentally fall in the toilet.

If you're the new guy at at work in a Chinese restaurant 
are you considered the Lo Mein on the totem pole?

Just replaced the cat littler with 44 packages of pop rocks...... a
nd now we wait.

I'm going to the gym now. 
Not bragging. 
Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

just read that women are smarter than men. Really?! 
Have you ever met a man that "fell in" the toilet in the middle of the night?

Dentists are going on strike...brace yourselves

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. 
I have erased this line

When God closes a door, he opens a window. 
Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. 
This has to stop!!

I learned that smiling suppresses the gag reflex... 
and some people wonder why I smile so much around them

I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they're fighting over the world's last Oreo

I am so devastated right now.
I just found out that the cootie shot I received as a kid
was just a placebo!!!!!!!

not sure which pants to wear tomorrow... 
smarty or fancy?

Thank you Mom for everything you have taught me over the years.....especially that toilet training thing.. I can't tell you how many times THAT has come in handy!!

Normal is getting dressed in the clothes you buy for work in a car you are still paying for in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and car and the house you leave vacant all day so that you can afford to live in it.

When people say “I'm not getting any younger!” 
I wonder what other basic life concepts they just figured out

Regardless of whether or not I should know better, 
I thought we had already established that no, I do not.

When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them

Why is it that when a bird flies into a window, everyone feels bad for the bird
but when I walk into a sliding glass door, it's suddenly hilarious?

Today somebody called me a model! 
Well they said "poster boy for birth control"
but I knew what they meant.

I like to walk around the fair with a giant stuffed animal I brought from home,
 ‘cause I need people to think I'm a winner.

The Olympian's stories are amazing.. 
The Ukrainian whose whole family was killed 
The Korean who escaped slavery
The American who never had wifi

First Shirley Temple...now Sid Caesar. A drink and a salad.... gone. 
Watch your back, Kevin Bacon.....

I met this guy today who said he has this spectacular dog who, when a stick is thrown 2 miles away, will still fetch it and bring it home.
that sounds a bit far fetched to me!!!

If before going to prison, the police let prisoners take their own mugshot
would they be called cellfies?

I am currently putting together a workout video called "8 Year Abs"

Everyone suffering from incurable diseases, hang in there.... 
I'm "liking" facebook posts as fast as I can.

In hindsight, allowing girls into our treehouse would have been a great idea.

I believe in equality. If we have five days of work, then we should have five day weekends as well.

The guy who figured out what kinds of sounds to make during karate 
was probably badly sunburned at the time

My New Year's resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. 
I have 20 lbs. to go.

Facebook just celebrated it's 10th anniversary!!!
Just think, 10 years ago you might have never known
that your mom's friends husband had a successful colonoscopy!!

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.

How many Denver broncos does it take to change a flat tire? 
One, unless it's a blowout, then the whole team shows up

Peyton Manning should have eaten a snickers bar before the game.
He plays like Tony Romo when he's hungry!!

Food
I see everyone else listing what they are eating for dinner, so I figured I'd get in on the act.

Don't you just hate it when someone you don't like says something funny!!!

No man knows more about women than I do, 
and I know nothing.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children.
Nowadays, the average child has four parents.

At this point I'm guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds

I'd like to think that somewhere out there
There is a group of animals
taking a 'what kind of person' are you quiz!!

I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want
and she hasn’t stopped talking for 3 days

Balloons aren't so fun when you think of them as bad breath storage units!!

apparently there are stupid questions. 
They're the ones I ask my wife

I was making pancakes the other morning and a fly flew into the kitchen.
That’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter
And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry
And children are a lot like fly eaters!!!

I think that there are two kinds of people in the world: 
people who put raisins in cookies & people I like.

I asked my wife to pour some sugar on me. 
That stuff is basically like sand, and I feel sticky and itchy as heck. 
Darn you, Def Leppard.

I know it's been a long time since I was a kid and heard this, 
but I still don't understand how finishing my food
 is going to save a starving child in Africa.

I changed my voicemail message to a Justin Beiber Song.
If you listen to the whole song and leave a message
I WILL listen to it. Cause it must be important!!

I use to say “That's How I Roll” until I fell down a hillside. It was much different than I imagined. Now I say: That's how I scream & bounce

If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious

I feel bad for lions at zoo. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn't even eat them?

Nice part about being a man is you can tell any other man:
 Dude you got fat…and they don’t care. 
Women, not so much.

Why do people post missing person posts on facebook? 
Like we're going outside......

Saw a flying saucer today. 
It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.

"Careful, there's dog poop on the dance floor." 
- how ballet was invented

I told my wife she just needed to embrace her mistakes. 
She wept softly...and then hugged me.

If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook,
 think how much TV you could watch.

a lot less people would play darts if dartboards could scream!!

They now make vegetarian hot pockets for those you don't want to eat meat, but still want the diarrhea.

When your wife is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?”... don't answer.

I've just invented a new word: "plagiarism".

Giselle to Tom Brady - What is wrong with you? If i wanted a loser, I would have married Tony Romo!!!

If a thought originated in someone's mind
and didn't end up on Facebook
Did it really happen?

At what point does a muffin top become a busted can of biscuits?

Growing up I never needed to wear my seat belt 
because my mom let me ride in the trunk.

I was chatting with my wife the other day. We worry about different things. I was like, What do you fear the most? And she was like I fear you’ll meet someone else and you’ll leave me and I'll be all alone. And she was like what do you fear? And I said “Bears”

when I was younger my mom would always give me my food by saying 
"here comes the train, here comes the train" with the spoon. 
I always ate it as cause i was afraid if I didn't, 
she wouldn't untie me from the railroad tracks!

Some women are terribly hard to please, 
the rest are Impossible

I don't get the toilet seat issue that woman have. I won't put my naked butt on anything without looking at it first. Apparently some woman ar not so discriminating

Happy Birthday forever to everyone on Facebook!! 
Whew, glad I got that out of the way.

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper? 
I don't know, ask Hugh Hefner

I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food.
i don't even know where sandwiches live!!

The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast is because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow Butt

At times I wish I had a clone
but then I realize
I could never live with that idiot!!

When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, 
the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

I show people I love them by not spending time with them. 
It’s the best thing I can offer

Some say there is no difference between "complete" and "finished".
Let me explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.
" When you marry the right woman, you are "complete". 
If you marry the wrong woman, you are "finished".
And, when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are "completely finished".

If you've seen one kid on a leash you've seen the mall.

Only you can prevent forest fires, and last year there was over 70,000 of them. 
What the heck man. We trusted you.

It's not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, 
it's the gas can in her other hand.

I'm not one to brag, but I deserve a medal. 
I just rescued a piece of cake that was trapped in the refrigerator.

I dropped my Ipad in the tub. Now it’s syncing….

I always put eggs in a ziplock bag before I crack them open in case a chicken darts out.

Hangman is really a strange game.
You start with a quadriplegic, then you slowly
fulfill his dreams of having limbs.
and THEN you hang him......

I love meeting new people until they say something stupid. 
Most of my friendships last about 3 minutes.

Why don't people ever hoard good stuff? 
I if I were a hoarder, I'd have a house full of cupcakes and slip-n-slides.

When I'm bored I like to call in sick to places I don't work for. 
I'm currently getting written up at Kohls.

you really know it's cold outside when
you go outside and it's cold!!!!!

New Parenting Idea:
Take picture of yourself pulling your baby out of a spacecraft in the forest.
Hide picture in attic for child to find in when they are 10.

The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.

Cats just stop eating when they are full. Even if there is more food in the bowl.
I can't do that. I have to eat every last bit of cat food!!

I can always tell who hates their spouse by how much they post about loving their spouse...

If I was blind, I would say "That's something you don't see everyday"
To just about every comment


My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he's a lamp...what does he know

It is actually men, you’ll find, who are far more romantic.
Men are the one you will hear say:
I've found somebody. She is Amazing. If I don’t get to be with her, then I’m finished. I can’t carry on. I really mean it. She’s totally transformed my life. I may have a job and a house, but it all means nothing. I can’t stand it. I HAVE TO BE WITH HER.
THAT is how women feel about shoes!!

There are know stupid questions. 
Only stupid people

I made a startling discovery this morning, apparently someone broke into my house last night and stole my "baggie" jeans from last year and replaced them with "skinny" jeans

Remember everybody. DO NOT kiss anybody on January 1st.
It's only the first date!!

I really hate Hipsters.
Their Smug face, Vegan diet
Their tiny feet and sawdust bedding.
No, wait. Hamsters, I hate Hamsters!!

There is both a freedom of speech and freedom of silence......
a wise person knows when to use both

The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for half an hour...

Marriage tip: if your wife asks you if you would leave her if she were to become fat and ugly, DO NOT start laughing and say "I'm still here, aren't I?"

once you lick the icing off of a cupcake, it becomes a muffin.
And muffins are healthy!!

When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they're just thinking for the first time

Since my ear surgery I haven't heard from my doctor. 
Not sure if that's a good thing or not.

I met a farmer who genetically altered a chicken to have six legs so his kids didn't fight over the drumsticks. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn't know. He couldn't catch it.

What's the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? 
My wife wants to know.

today I bought a cupcake without the sprinkles.
Diets are so hard!!

If Santa's helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?

If a man says you’re ugly, he’s being mean.
If a woman says you’re ugly, she’s jealous.
If a little kid says you’re ugly, then you’re ugly.

If you hear someone sing Jingle Bells and you don’t respond with Batman smells then I don’t wanna be friends with you.

Zoo tip: Real Tigers often do not follow the rules of "Eenie meenie miney moe"

When my therapist said I needed supervision, I thought I was getting a super power

Midas' touch, Baby! Uh huh, 
I gots it! Everything I'm touching is turning to gold today.
Oh yeah! Wait. Never mind. Darn Cheetos.

Thankfully I did not invest in the stock market. 
I took the $2.47 I made last week and invested it all in candy.

Dear Santa,
I've been good all Year!!!!
Ok, fine. Most of the time.
OK, once in a while
Ya know what, Forget This!! I'll buy my own stuff!!

Wanna lose weight? Try the grapefruit diet. Eat something...follow with half a grapefruit. Eat something else...half a grapefruit. So far today I've had 94 grapefruits.

I don't know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all!

hey, whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... 
Not funny, grow up.

If I ever win the lottery, I'd stay the same person I am today. My poor decisions, however, will become gloriously epic.

Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are among Barbara Walters' "10 most fascinating people of 2013." 
In a related story, Barbara has been named one of the "10 most easily fascinated people of 2013."

I don't normally use the bathroom with the door open, 
but I don't want to miss the in flight movie

Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.

French people just give me the crepes.

I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a Hippy brother who lives in a recycling bin!

Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?

This darn Mcdonald's never has a fully stocked condiment counter. This is the last straw!

My mother's last words were "You can be such a pain sometimes." 
She is still alive, I just haven't talked to her since then.

Updating my status in the car. 
Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. 
Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.

apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon. He would then follow them up with "ah, I guess you had to be there!!"

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win!!

Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it.

Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you're a 3 year-old with annoying parents

Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped.

Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping.....Ha, try online dating

you know It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside

When a man first gets married he holds his wife's hands and gazes into her eyes when he talks to her. After many years he still holds her hands and gazes into her eyes but it's mostly for self defense purposes

Day 29: I am thankful for the fact that I do not have to see your 28 days of thankful posts for another year

Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....

Decided to lay down, unbutton my pants and watch football after my Thanksgiving meal. The manager at Applebee's was not happy.

A poll found that 55 percent of shoppers start their Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving. The other 45 percent are men

Bought a cheese grater for a blind friend... He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

My wife asked me for another word for incorrect. 
Of course, my answer was wrong.

now what can I do? I really need to go to Walmart, but I can't find my pajamas!!!

Thanksgiving is almost here. Don't forget to stock up your medicine cabinet with marbles, for all your sneaky relatives.

If Mama Cass had shared her sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might be alive today.

Victoria Secret unveiled their $8,000,000 jewel encrusted bra. 
I just can’t get excited over any underwear with the word "encrusted" in the description.

Bye, bye, Miss Canadian Pie
Drove my Ski-Doo, To the igloo.................................................. 
This was a dumb idea, Sorry

Who picks up a seeing eye dog's poop?

You know it's getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6

It's now very common to hear people say "I'm rather offended by that", as if it gives them certain rights. It is no more then a whine, it has no meaning, it has no purpose, it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 
"I'm offended by that"
yea, so what!!!

A good wife always forgive's her husband when she's wrong..

Are you all getting ready for Thanksgiving? PETA says today's turkeys are so fat, they can't stand up, they're prone to heart attacks, and they have trouble mating. No, I'm sorry, that's what the turkeys are saying about us. I had it backward.

My wife told me she bought a really sexy dress just for me. 
I’m planning on wearing it this Friday.

OK. Who wants to put on a bear costume and go on a rampage tearing apart the tents of people camping outside of Best Buy for Black Friday?

At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?

I just saw some moron trying to park their car for 20 minutes before they gave up and left. I didn't get to see the person so I'm not going to assume what gender she was.

A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together

The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That’s Cole’s Law.

I couldn't believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…

I remember as a teen asking my mother if I was adopted.
She told me "Not yet, but we're hopeful"

The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.

I have a friend who doesn't have a facebook or twitter account so he just goes around announcing loudly what he's doing at random times. He has 3 followers now, but I think 2 of them are cops!

Congrats on your secret admirer! It must be nice having someone who's ashamed to admit they like you!

NFL Injury report: Eli Manning as reportedly dislocated his non-interception throwing shoulder

Pretty soon you'll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."

Men just want to be with someone who isn't crazy but unfortunately most are only attracted to women

Does anybody else have a spouse who loves to play that game called “Yell from four rooms away and get upset when you can’t hear them"?

Botox doesn't make you look young, 
it makes you look like you think you're old.

Get it right people.
i'm not sick, I'm twisted.
Sick makes it sound like there's a cure...

Somebody told me they liked my name. 
I told then “thanks’ I got it for my birthday!!

I can't believe people still go to the gym when they can just post it as their status and go have ice cream instead.

I created a new shoe made entirely out of legos.
Now, when I step on a lego, it doesn't hurt, I just get Taller!!

I just hate daylight savings time.
i'm still right an hour ago on all my checks!!!

This is a test to see who reads my posts. If you don't read them do absolutely nothing. If you do read them send me $20.

When someone tells me “you’re gonna regret that in the morning”
I sleep til noon cause I’m a problem solver!!

What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?

Can't afford any decent costumes this year so I decided
 I'm gonna be an overweight skeleton!!


For Halloween I'm going to write "Life" on a plain white T-shirt and
 hand out lemons to strangers.

People say circumcision doesn't hurt. 
I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn't walk for nearly a year.

I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...

When I die, I'm gonna have pinatas at my Funeral so people can be happy.
But I'm gonna fill them with bees so people aren't too happy!!

Just saw a bumper sticker that said "Distracted drivers crash, hang up and drive."
Then I crashed into him because I was reading the sticker.

I never know how much Cream of Wheat to make for the trick or treaters.

My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. 
Would any of you like to go jogging with me?

There are two types of people I hate in this world: 
Nosy people AND people who won't tell me what the heck is going on in their lives.

Why do pickup truck commercials think it's very important that I'm able to tow a plane?

We have to stop this recent culture of people telling us they're offended and expecting us to give a darn....

I hate when people passive-aggressively post vague, indirect statuses. 
You know who you are...

With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears

New Facebook game:
The last person to not respond wins!!!!
GO

Not sure if this is good or bad but
My therapist just offered me my money back.

Sometimes it's like my wife and I aren't even related.

I really question the marketing tactics at Wholesale Furniture Outlets. I've never heard anyone say "Oooh! A giant inflatable Ape!! I think I want to buy a couch!"

ll my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.

My wife said, "You always blame everyone else when things go wrong" 
I said.."And whose fault is that?"

Privacy is very important to me. That is why I only share sensitive information with my closest 480 friends on Facebook.

The first rule of condescending club is really kinda complex and I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you.

Stop calling them rednecks. The political correct term is NASCAR-Americans.

Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.

At the beginning of the Doctor's shift He placed a stethoscope on an 
elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 
'Big breaths,' . . . He instructed. 
'Yes, they used to be,' . . . Replied the patient.

If someone doesn't ask me, "What in the heck is wrong with you?" at least once a day, I feel like a failure.

So last night, I thought I heard a burglar in the house, so I called 911. Then before the cops arrived, i found out it was just a dog. So I broke out some windows and kicked down the door before they got here so I wouldn't look stupid!!

Dryer lint sure does smell a lot better than it tastes.

My Panic Room is every room I walk into where there is people

This year, for Halloween, I'm going to dress as a character from Scooby Doo and run around taking people's masks off.

The last couple of days I've been feeling really empty inside.....
these new laxatives are working wonders!

Today is a great day. 
The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, 
which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment

You may have a drinking problem if:
your husband/wife asks you to toast some bread for them 
and you raise your glass and say "Here's to bread"

Warning: 
forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.

Pro driving tip: Look in your rear view mirror. If there's a long line of traffic behind you but no one in front of you, you're the reason road rage exists!!

I think there should be a rule on facebook.
Anyone posting what they are making for dinner
has to make enough for the rest of us.

My wife said our marriage is becoming stale because 
I'm boring and never do anything spontaneous.
So I waited until she fell asleep and shaved her eyebrows off.

Just saw the headline:
"Twister kills 15 in Oklahoma." 
WOW! They must take that game way too seriously...

Calm down check out guy, you don't have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn't be in Quickie Mart.

Polls show that if the election were held today...an overwhelming majority of Americans would be very surprised

I have a reoccurring nightmare that I am startled by bank robbers who shout "EVERYBODY GET DOWN!" and I get shot in the face for dancing.

was at Walmart shopping the other day & heard a woman come over the loud speaker,"Attention Kmart Shoppers..." 
There was a long pause & then she said,"You're in the wrong store."

I once made a belt out of watches.
It was a total waist of time!!

Mom, I'm sorry for all the things I did as a kid.
Will you please take off the curse that my kids will be 10 times worse then me..
PLEASE, I am so sorry!!!!

Wife: "I'm sick of you teasing me about my weight," 
she snapped as she walked out the door.
Husband: "Please, babe, don't go," He pleaded. "Think of our son."
Wife: "What son?"
Husband: "You're not pregnant?"

Whenever I'm walking and see a car at a red light I like to wave until the person rolls their window down. Then I say, "You know, you can't park there"

Why is it that females can argue with you for 30 minutes, then finish it off by claiming "I'm not even gonna argue with you!!!!!!!!"

I am starting to think that I will never be old enough to know better!!

I'm participating in a 0.25K run to raise awareness for people
 with attention deficit disorder.

Really offended with these microwave instructions 
they told me to turn my burrito over gently,
like I don't treat every burrito with the utmost respect

I overheard two girls talking on the bus.
One was saying, "I'm overweight because it's a side effect of my asthma meds"
I thought, "what is she taking for her asthma? cheeseburgers?"

I just don't get life insurance. 
Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

My wife thinks I can read minds. Well, she hasn’t said it out loud yet.

Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors..

Well, it was finally time for a major life change, and I did it. After a lot of time spent soul searching and thinking about where I wanted to be whenever I got 'there", I realized that if i keep doing the exact same things, the exact same way, nothing will ever change for me. I decided I needed a new outlook on life. It was time to view things from a completely different perspective.
So, as of yesterday, I officially changed my favorite spot, and moved to the other end of the couch. the world looks completely different from this side. It's like I've been given a new lease on life with all my favorite shows, and I'm not going to blow it.

We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. 
She probably wasn't in the mood...

Just remember this, people
There are no bad pictures. 
That's just how your face looks sometimes.

OK. I can understand why you are mad at me,
but the horse I rode in on had nothing to do with it.

Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket
 where I can put my nachos?

You know you're short when you can see your feet in your driver's license!

Come on people, stop blaming me.
It's not my fault you thought I was normal!!

It was said that Fast Luke had the quickest hand in the West. 
Too bad everyone else used guns. 
Luke's final words reportedly were "pew, pew"

Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.

I don't need pepper spray to stop a robber, 
I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.

Let's be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, 
he would have made cows faster.

Chinese food to go - 16.89
Gas to drive and pick it up - 1.68
Getting home and realizing that you forgot one of the boxes ......... riceless

I need some medical advice, can anyone help me?
After I eat, I lose my appetite,sometimes for hours on end.
Also, late at night, I lose consciousness. Do I need a doctor?

Being normal?
I just can't imagine how awful that must be!!!

I don't have issues.
I have the whole darn subscription!

I don't understand why people say that the Mona Lisa was Leonardo Da Vinci's best work. I really like his role in Titanic.

I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.

I believe a lot of conflict in the old west could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

how come you never see sweatpants with the word "Classy" printed across the back?

The internet doesn't make you stupid.
It just makes your stupidity more accessible to others!!

I don't take steroids because I never want to look like 
I'm capable of helping my friends move.

I don't care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference.

It's going to take a lot more than a few “LIKES” on my Facebook page to make me forget what an idiot you were in high school.

Dear Algebra,
Please stop asking us to find your X
She is not coming back.
And don't ask Y

Growing up, I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there...

There's no way that scientists can prove to me that 
pterodactyls didn't pronounce the p

I was gonna give change to a homeless guy today,
but his sign said ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU. 
So, I held onto it just in case he was right

I once dated a girl. After we had dated a while, 
I asked her if it was OK if i bought her a ring.
She said "Nothing would make me happier!!"
So I bought her nothing.
I often wonder how she's doing and how her life turned out......

I finally gave my wife multiple orgasms, but she still isn't happy. 
Apparently it doesn't count if they are years apart.

I am pretty ticked that the NSA is monitoring 75% of our Internet traffic, and yet still hasnt responded to my invitation to Candy Crush

I'm trying to come up with a new Miley Cyrus joke 
but it's not twerking

God created the world in 7 days 
but took 9 months to create me. 
So clearly I’m a big deal...

I go to the gym so infrequently that I still call it the James.

I want a closed-casket funeral when I die. And in case anyone opens it, I want one of those boxing gloves on a spring to shoot out.

Four out of five urologists smell their apple juice before they drink it.

went to the doc and told him,
"Doc, every time I sneeze, I have an Orgasm"
he asked "What are you taking for it?"
I answered "Black Pepper"

Dallas Morning News reports that in preparation for the upcoming season, Tony Romo is on a liquid diet to prevent choking.

If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.

Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she stood him up.

My blood hound was just attacked by a crip hound.

I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....
I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them!!!!

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. 
There is nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I hate when I’m on the treadmill, and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and accidentally eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

When one door closes, another one opens.
Or, you could just re-open the closed door.
that's how doors work!!

My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally she swung open the door and asked "tell me honestly, do I look fat in this?". I replied "yes love, but to be fair, its a small bathroom"

This laundry detergent says I get 20oz free, but the cashier says I still have to buy the whole bottle.

that 'an apple a day' line is total hogwash. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White or any pig at a luau.

Everybody has a friend that is completely different
 when they’re not under female supervision.

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. 
in my defense, I didn't even know she sold jewelry.

They've got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it's awesome. It's got Mars bars, KitKat, Hershey's and everything!!

You may not have lost all your marbles,
 but there definitely is a hole in the bag

It's especially dangerous to run with scissors when someone nearby is running with rock.

Heat, pressure and time: three things that make a diamond.....
also make a waffle.

Tip for women:
All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them alone.

I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tire and then roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears.

How come when someone goes to sit down and the seat is dirty they use their hand to wipe the seat then wipe their dirty hands on their pants? What was the point

Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.

I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,, it’s 9.

Remember: Life isn't about having amazing experiences, 
it’s about making mediocre experiences look awesome on Facebook.

Wife: every time we argue, you think you’re right…. 
Me: yes, if I thought you were right, we wouldn't be arguing…

When a couple asks me for directions,
I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.
That’s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.

It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. 
Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

You don’t get smarter as you get older. 
There just aren't any stupid things left that you haven’t already done.

I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire
 to be the man of the house.

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights
 to save the environment. 
I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

When pharmacist gets sick……. 
Does the doctor give him a taste of his own medicine?

Considering that Iron Man and Batman’s only real superpower is being super rich and smart, Bill Gates turned out to be a real disappointment.

when I was a kid, I always checked my pockets profusely before putting them in the hamper because I was afraid of getting arrested for 
money laundering!!

Just had to ask myself, 
“What would a competent person do in this situation?”

I just saw a poster that said, “Have you seen this man?” with a number to call … So I called the number and told them, “no.”

My son asked me what’s it like being married. 
I said “You know how you have to eat your vegetables to get dessert?
It's Like that”.

I wonder during the election for Pope, 
did the other cardinals point to the losers and say excitedly
“you are NOT the father”

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, 
just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes. 
She cried & then she hugged me.

The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.

The Victoria’s Secret store in the mall has a
 “buy 2 get the 3rd free” sale 
You know, so you ladies can get your panties in a bunch.

All this talk about the Royal baby is bringing back bad memories for me. Last time I was third in line for the throne, I messed myself!!!!

I once dated an amputee. 
She single-handedly changed my life

Now working on my 2nd million. 
I gave up on the first.

People don’t realize how hard it is to write stupid things 
on a regular basis.

I broke my finger today. 
But on the other hand I’m fine.

Women spend more time thinking about what men think 
than men actually spend thinking.

According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.

Relationships are weird. 
"you're funny and smart" 
eventually turns to 
"you think you know everything and everything is a joke to you".

The new Royal Baby is an 8 pound boy!!
If my conversion rates are correct, He weighs $19

This weekend, a woman in Colorado gave birth inside a Wal-Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal-Mart not made in China.

I'm glad people are exercising 
but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB.
Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."

According to information given to me in my childhood, 
1 out of 5 pigs eat Roast Beef.

With women, you can either be happy, or you can be right. Never both.

you can always run from your problems, 
unless your problem is a cheetah

Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.

If she's freaking out, kiss her forehead, hug her and call her beautiful.
If she growls, throw chocolate at her from a safe place.

A word to the wise isn't necessary.
It's the stupid ones that need the advice!!

"I was playing chess with my friend and he said
 ‘Let’s make this more interesting’. So we stopped playing chess."

I could snap at any moment. 
Seriously, with either hand.

There are two kinds of people in this world, and I don't like them

Sometimes I notice the way my wife is looking at me and think, 
"if I could read her mind I'd probably be too terrified to live with her."

Couples who have been married for a long time start
 finishing off each other's sentences. 
The most popular being "Shut up.

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, 
they'd shower more and fart less.

I have this deathly fear of speed bumps.
But I'm slowly getting over it.

shouldn't there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid 
where Daniel's mom was like
"Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

I try to avoid things that make me fat.
Like scales, mirrors and photographs!!

I watched my first silent movie the other day. 
The kids weren't there.

When you think about how huge the earth is
And how it's just a fraction of the size of the Sun
Which is just a speck of dust in the whole universe
It's easy to rationalize eating a whole cake

Don’t try to understand women. 
Women understand women, 
that’s why they hate each other.

Everybody has that one mentally unstable friend.
I just happen to be that friend!!

The best gift that God gave man is the ability to translate whatever a woman says into "blah blah blah blah blah."

If you can make just ONE person smile, 
then you're probably a really bad comedian.

My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I've only got 40 pounds to go.

Ok it's been almost 30 years, And for the life of me....I still can't understand what Dan Akroyd was doing in the "We are the world" video

A walk in the woods helps me to relax and relieve tension.
The fact that I'm dragging a body is completely irrelevant!!

A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.

My 4 year old said “When I grow up, I want to be like daddy”. 
My wife replied “Pick one dear, you can’t do both”

You should never fully trust the person who seems to never have to get out of the pool to take a bathroom break

Sometimes I'm happy, then mad, then hungry and then chatty. 
So yes, I understand women. 
Great, now I'm crying

The Fourth of July is an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date.

There’s this band I really like called 999MB.
It’s having a hard time finding a gig.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I named my dog twenty miles.
Now i can tell everyone I walk twenty miles every day!!

If you're buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, 
I'm sorry to tell you it's not working

A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you'll ever hear. Unless it's 3 AM, you're home alone, and you don't have a baby.

That awkward moment when a Zombie is looking for brains and it walks right past you


If two mind readers decided to read each others minds
would they simply be reading their own minds?

Wives are known for giving sound advice.
99 percent sound, 1 percent advice

That awkward moment when someone ask me if i have friends
and I reply 'Heck yea, I have the box set'
and they meant real life friends, oops

the best way to understand paranoid people is to follow them around.

Laughing at your own mistakes can lengthen your life....
-Shakespeare
Laughing at your wife's mistakes can shorten your life...
-Shakespeare's wife

"Its not you,, Its me."--- Twins going through a photo album

With all the Potato Chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...

Taco Bell doesn't have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might crap your pants

Kim & Kanye naming their daughter North West
is like Alicia Keys naming her child Car...

Imaginary friend:
Great company in the park
But totally useless on the see-saw

After hearing a gun shot, 
Hank ran next door and found his friend Tony crying. 
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Hank asked.
Tony sobbed, “I had to shoot my dog.”
Hank said, “Oh NO! Was he mad?”
Tony replied, “Well, he wasn't exactly overjoyed.”

Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.

I don't like selfish people. 
I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night.
Really? 
You think someone else might want one?


When I was young, I was always getting into mischief, and my mom was always getting quite exasperated by my antics. One day, mom said to me, “Bud, how do you expect to get into Heaven 
when you’re always so bad?”
I thought about this question for a little while, then replied, “Well, mom, I'll just run in and out and in and out and I’ll keep on slamming the
gates of heaven until St Peter says,
"For heavens sake, Bud, come in or stay out.”


BREAKING NEWS: 
"Illegally downloading pirated films is costing hundreds of millions of dollars a year" 
What site are they using? It's free for me

Women are like bacon
They smell amazing, they taste great
But they will kill you over time

I bet the worst part about being single is knowing that even Hitler found someone who loved him.

I am too lazy to walk a mile in your shoes 
so I will just go ahead and judge you.

Another 'World's Oldest Man' has died. 
This is beginning to look suspicious.

Last night I had a dream that somebody was making fun of me for having cartoony boxers instead of solid color or plaid, and my only retort was 'It's called Funderwear." Then I punched a dragon and it turned into a motorcycle!!

When I was younger, my mom would give me $2 to go to the grocery store and I would bring back a dozen eggs, bag of candy, gallon of milk, a box of tea and potato chips. 
I can't do that now though, there are too many surveillance cameras.

UGHhhh,, Spelling errors aggravate me SO much.
Just mix up two letters and your whole post is urined

IT doesn't seam fair.
How come Fathers only get one day
But sharks get a whole week?

Children seldom misquote you. 
In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

I invented a new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole
 if it comes within 4 inches of it. 
DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!

I wear glasses because I like to dramatically 
remove them to display anger.
It was awkward doing that with contact lenses

The only reason women's minds are cleaner than men's is because they change them so often!

I like sleeping cause it’s sort of like being dead, but without the commitment

Judging by how much I like to crawl back under the covers in the morning I think I'd make a pretty awesome turtle..

My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section

Dating Rule #7: 
When on a first date a gentleman always lets his lady
have the Burger King crown...
Cuz it will make her feel special....

I never understood why someone would put a sea shell up to their ear
to hear the ocean.
Why don't they just drop the shell, turn around and .... 
TADA!!! The ocean!!
shhhhh...... Listen!!!!!!!!

Always love a woman for her personality. 
They have like 10, so you can choose.

My wife is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and currently looking over my shoulder

I used to be crazy.
I still am but I used to be too!!

I still have nightmares about that time I gave my Eskimo friend 
a house-warming present

I ripped a 8 second fart and my wife says "You're gross." 
I ran out of the room yelling 
"YOU DON'T SUPPORT ANYTHING I DO!"

I just gave a cow $5 and it didn't do anything. 
Cow tipping isn't as much fun as everyone says it is!!

no-one looks back on their life and remembers the 
nights that they got plenty of sleep

Facebook is going to start making high school reunions really awkward.
"John! I haven't seen you in ten years! 
Wow, what have you been up to since that nap
 you took at 3 o'clock this afternoon

If there's one thing that I've learned,
 it's that I should have learned way more than one thing.

Cashier: Would you like to help feed the hungry today?
Me: Yes I would, That is why I'm shopping today!!!!

Some people don't know anything about women.
And those people are called 'Men'

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it's the scientists that aren't washing their hands?

I'm not saying that you may be dumb or stupid.
I'm just saying that you have very bad luck when it comes to thinking!!

Job Interview:
Interviewer: What do you consider to be your greatest weakness?
Applicant: Honesty
Interviewer: Honesty? I don't think honesty is a weakness?
Applicant: I don't really care what the heck you think!!

My sense of direction is terrible.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this!!

Camping - Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes

my favorite outdoor activity is going back inside!!

You know the feeling when someone starts talking to you about all the things you went through together , And you can not remember their name? Well, the wife's not a happy camper right now!!!!

There comes a time in every persons life when you are required to man the heck up. A time where you need to stare the devil in the eyes and casually ask, "is that all you got?" as he drags you through seven gates of hell. A time to say "To heck with the heliocentric model of our solar system, the universe in fact revolves around my Andromeda sized titanium nads".
For me, that moment was today as I discovered a spider in my helmet at 90 MPH!!

I'm not saying my dog is lazy, but instead of chasing cars, she just sits in in the front yard and jots down license numbers.

Some people never go crazy.
What truly horrible lives they must lead!!

I just ate a whole bag of chips
but it was reduced fat
so it was basically like going to the gym!!

I can't help being lazy. It walks in the family.

NEVER sing in the shower...
Singing leads to dancing....
Dancing leads to slipping...
And Slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked
So Remember.... Don't Sing!!!!

You say never judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. But sorry, I can't walk a mile in your shoes. Because you wear Crocs. And I won't be caught dead in Crocs. It's actually the reason I judge you.

It's always good to feel appreciated. 
My little brother just called to thank me for
"setting the bar so incredibly low for him."

My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words 'active' or 'sport' in it's name

Whoever said that nothing rhymes with orange clearly doesn't know the correct pronunciation of 'nothing,'

Shout out to all the Amish people reading this status ..........................BUSTED

I love how my George Foreman Grill separates the grease and fat, so I have something to dip my burger in.

We all have that one smart-alleck friend who....
oh, wait a minute, that's me!!

A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women's facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren't looking at her face.

Ever notice that people who usually wear sweatpants hardly ever sweat?

Life is like a box of chocolates.
It doesn't do well in a hot car trunk all day.

It would be funny if Justin Beiber turned into our modern day Michael Jackson and turned into an old black women before he dies

From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman's voice. 
Please re-read this one to make sure it's working.

BREAKING NEWS: 
In a surprisingly new Marital Sex Survey, 
men have reportedly finished the survey much quicker than women ....

Today is Mothers day, a day when mothers all over the world should be thanking that very special someone (Husband/boyfriend/one-night-stand) for making this holiday possible. I for one will be speaking for all men when I say, "you're welcome!"

I don't want to brag, but I'm single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work


It's sad, 'cause strawberries probably hear "strawberry preserve"
 and think they're safe.

I keep having this dream I'm being carried off by a giant squirrel...
Does that make me nuts?

Blood is thicker then water, but maple syrup is thicker then blood. Therefore pancakes are more important than family

If your wife tells you she has been worried about her weight...
do not, I repeat DO NOT tell her to keep her chins up...

If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. 
Don't slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.

If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do

When I'm in a good mood, I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.

i was in an elevator today and someone passed gas.
that was wrong on so many levels.

My Best Relationship Advice: 
Make Sure You're the Crazy One...

I feel less poor when I throw trash out in an old Target bag instead of a Walmart one

If you get a haircut in a salon and run out without paying, they can't run after you because they are holding scissors. it's the perfect crime!

There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator

Nobody likes the guy who stands in the corner of the elevator, hoarding the buttons. Then he asks; what floor? And he smiles, like he's doing you a favor. 
I WANNA HIT THE BUTTON.

Whenever I worry I've been wasting my time on FB, I cheer myself up by remembering I have never seen a Twilight movie.......

No matter what mistakes I make in my life at least I won't be as pathetic as the guy who got eaten by a t-rex while sitting on the toilet in Jurassic Park

Just finished a great workout.... curls, lunges, and crunches. Does it matter that it was 12 oz curls, lunging toward a bag of reese's cups, and crunching into cookies?

here's a shout out to all the sidewalks who kept me off the streets as a kid!!

I wonder if the person who invented trail mix actually discovered it when they were cleaning out their car and moved their kids' car seats.

According to a global study, American kids are way behind Asian kids in math and science, but American are ahead in buying things made by Asian kids.

Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn't listening to begin with

Whoever came up with the term "one tough cookie" had no idea 
about the structural integrity of baked goods.

People are like books. You can't judge them by appearance alone
 and it's not cool to burn a big pile of them.

If you are asking me for directions in Spanish, you are likely to get lost in translation.

9 out of 10 husbands agreed that their wives are always right
the 10th husband hasn't been seen or heard from
since the survey was taken!!

Sometimes I wish I really was the last man on Earth,
 just to see if all those women really were serious

I tried making some rabbit stew one weekend,
 but the kids complained that there was a hare in it.

I just killed a spider with my shoe. 
I don't care how big spiders are 
no-one,I repeat no-one steals my shoes!

When my life flashes before my eyes, I hope it's not the special extended edition with all the deleted scenes I've blocked from my memory.

what if one day Google was deleted
and we couldn't google what happened to google?

Wouldn't it stink if there were thousands of other planets that had life, and we on Earth were the ONLY ones who didn't know? 
And we were the butt of alien's jokes, like "You're stupid as an Earthling."

After knocking all the men's hats off, I was escorted out of the safety meeting screaming "I can dance if I want to".......

Women complain that their husbands can push all their buttons.
Men complain it's not true,they have never found the mute button

Its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn't sure how to spell, and yes I Googled embarrassing.

People claim ‘Camping is a tradition in my family”, 
I say “it was a tradition in everyone’s family until we invented the HOUSE

My wife has been at a baby shower for like 3 hours. 
That baby's gotta be so clean by now. Girls are weird...

"Fart" is such a crude word. 
I prefer "Song of the South."

I totally failed a safety and health course today.
The question was, in the event of a fire,what steps should you take
apparently, "really big ones" was't the correct answer!!

I set the voice on my GPS to 'Bon Jovi'
now it just keeps telling me "We're half way there"

I rode in an ambulance today....
I can't believe they just leave those thing running in front of the ER
 like a valet service.

What if P Diddy's real name was Pete Diddy and we just misheard him 
and now he just goes with it because it's too late to correct everyone, 
but every night he goes home and cries 
and whispers to himself "My name is Pete".

If you pull the pin out of a grenade, 
can you put it back in and let go? 
I'm going to need a quick answer for this....

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. 
I was like, 0mg!

What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, 
and Helium just brings it back to normal?

neutering your dog makes then less nuts...

I once had a girlfriend who wrote on a balloon, “Will you propose to me?” 
- So I immediately popped the question.

I just can’t stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks 
that I have let down by failing to “stay cool”

It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory.
 I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like,
 "Eww, okay. That's yours now."

I want to start a band called "Day Job" 
so that when we play and people say "don't quit your day job"
 I'll be like "thanks we practice a lot".

A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

When my wife picks a restaurant that I don’t like, 
I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. 
Problem solved.

I've just been accused of being 'a plagiarist'! Their words, not mine.

Every book you have ever read of just a different combination of the same 26 letters

I now realize that I never really wanted to grow up
I just wanted to grow tall enough to reach the cookies!!

I know my limits. 
I don’t pay any attention to them, 
but I know them.

Going to a funeral of a very dear old woman. She was known as a great lover of animals owning a variety of parrots, cats, dogs, pigs, cows and horses. She was even an expert on varies types of Arachnids. 
Sigh. If only she didn't swallow that fly.

It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs
 telling deer where to cross the road.

I never tip restroom attendants because they already got to listen to me go to the bathroom, and you can't really put a price on that.

I go to the gym once a week
but I don't have to go inside. 
I get all my exercise walking to the ice cream shop next door.

Homeless people wouldn't be half as poor if they didn't waste
 all of their money on sharpies and cardboard

Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are overweight.

How was it possible that the three bears had porridge all at different temperatures? Someone is lying

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. 
No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle

For every photo a girl posts of herself, there are 27 others in the exact same pose that weren't quite good enough.

I saw a sign today that said
"The Fool wonders, but the wise asks"
and I couldn't help but wonder what that that means.....

So, I got hired to watch the neighbor’s animals while they are on vacation. So I go over there and go inside and try to pet the cat and it bites me. So I started cussing at it and chasing it with a water gun, shooting at it and then I chased it into their room, and there they were, just lying there staring at me. They actually leave tomorrow; I got my days mixed up. Oh yea, and I got fired!!

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

I NEED HELP!!
I accidentally went into the ladies room at Target and now I'm stuck in a stall because too many women keep coming in and out.
HOW DO I GET OUT WITHOUT MAKING IT AWKWARD?

I just went down to McDonald's in Harlem. 
I don't get what all the hype is about. This shake is pretty normal

"Today its Sunday" Forward this to 15 friends,.. 
within 7 days you"ll get another Sunday. it really works... 
One of my friends ignored it and he got Monday within 24 hours

Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy
 that I don't even do anything about it.

I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest

Looks like the Dallas Cowboys and Tony Romo 
have mutually signed a brand new
"NO Superbowl for 6 years" contract!!

If a guy named David has his ID stolen
do I then have to call him Dav?

Ever look around the room at your family and think to yourself
"it's amazing I turned out as good as I did?"
Then realize you said it aloud?

How are middle schoolers sexually active? 
I wasn't even socially active.
I'm still not socially active..
I'm not even active.

I save a lot of money on therapy because my 
childhood imaginary friend earned his PhD in psychology.

I told my wife to stop treating me like a child.
She gave me a sticker for standing up for myself!

The man who created knock knock jokes deserves a no-bell prize.

Hating people takes too much energy.
So, I just pretend they are dead

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous

After the latest cruise mishaps,
Carnival Cruise Lines should just change their slogan to
"Still better than the Titanic!!!"

If you think your day is going badly just remember that somewhere in the world a man with a lisp is trying to order the "Sweet & Sour Soup"

Is it mean to give a homeless person money for food 
without giving him money for a phone too...? 
How do you expect him to Instagram the food?

I Can't believe it!!!!
I've got Mila Kunis' autograph! 
It's on a restraining order, but still....

HOW can dogs sniff out bombs, save a guy from drowning, keep you from walking into traffic, but CANT figure out how to UNWRAP themselves from around a tree

My statuses would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.

My bucket list is just the words "afford things"
 written in orange crayon on a paper towel.

I'll never understand why cartoon pictures of the sun always depict it wearing sunglasses. What exactly would it be protecting its eyes from?

"Slow and steady wins the race." 
Unless it's one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed

Men use love to get sex.
Women use sex to get love.
ME: I use coupons to get PIZZA!!!

If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein's forehead would have been far less noticeable.

I'm done chasing people who aren't willing to do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man will have to find business elsewhere.

There is a new AP that tells you how smart your dog is.
Here's how it works.
If you bought the AP, your dog is smarter then you!!

Of course I want to have my cake and eat it too!!!
what the heck else am I gonna do with a cake?

Traces of horse meat have been discovered in 
Ikea’s Swedish meatballs. 
WOW, makes you want to stop taking your 
family to dinner at a furniture store!!

Pro Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?

I was standing in front of the mirror earlier
admiring my six pack for hours. 
But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge. :(

The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.

Seemed really cruel to get my dog fixed. 
So instead I got him a really bad haircut. 
And now he can't even get a date.

Let's see...
Mary is the Mother of Jesus
and Jesus is the Lamb of God
Does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?

Everyone has a right to their own opinion.
And everyone else has the same right to tell you 
how stupid your opinion may be!!

So my son has learned about a disease that 
only affects dinosaurs, apparently.
He saw it on tv and it's called A Reptile Dysfunction.
He doesn't understand the commercials at all
But he's pretty sure that's what it is about....

I'm so broke, I rub cologne from magazines on my shirt .. 
And when my wife says "Oh you smell good, what is that?" 
I say "Page 5"

Please don't start calling me 'hero' but this lady collapsed at the grocery store and I was the first one to call for a clean up in Aisle 3.

I think if i ever lived near a prison. I'd really enjoy my Sunday afternoon sprints down the highway in an orange jumpsuit...

Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year's resolutions.

I can't believe they let people own guns.
Public toilets are all the proof we need that humans have horrible aim.

It's so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads

It has been brought to my attention that the stick figure decals on the back windows of vehicles are NOT pedestrian "kill" scores, but, actually are meant to represent members of your family. I'll be removing mine ASAP to avoid any further confusion.

If you want to see how angry a person can get, 
tell them to "calm down" when they're already mad.

Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caught in tuna nets? 
What about the tuna?

Instead of a wallet, I always keep my money in an envelope that says "For the orphans" so people will feel terrible if I'm ever murdered

Whenever I see a fly on a plane, 
I'm amazed by the wisdom of that choice

Back in 82 I was told to wait a cotton picking minute... 
I'm still waiting, how long is that exactly?

How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

All those people that told me that i would become a morning person once I had kids were lying to me. Now, I'm still grumpy in the mornings and I have kids to witness it!!

Roses Are Red 
Violets Are Red
Trees Are Red 
HOLY COW my garden is on fire!

found out yesterday that Wii Bowling skills don't translate well into real life. 
Hopefully boxing will go better tonight.

I hate when people come to MY house, 
knock on MY door,
and then give me the "why aren't you wearing pants" look.

I'm not damaged goods, I'm damaged greats!

Does it count as saving someone’s life if you just refrain from killing them?

How Do People Know Dinosaurs Roared If Nobody Ever Heard One?!,..
.Maybe, They Meowed

Let's all have a moment of silence for people who can't have a moment of silence because they have kids.

Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life. That has to be the longest & most delicious form of slow death I have ever heard.

Not sure about my neighbors, 
I asked them if I could borrow a pot holder
and they came out with a zip lock bag!!

Love watching the Cowboys. 
The John Wayne ones,
not the loosing ones.

My grandfather fought in World War I and survived mustard gas and pepper spray. You might say he was a seasoned veteran.

wondering what to do. 
I used my last Post-It Note and have no idea how to remind myself to get more.

"Daddy! There's a monster under my bed!"
"That's silly. There's no mOH NO! HELP! IT'S TEARING OFF MY ARM!" 
"Just Kidding. He only eats kids. Goodnight."

When a woman wears leather clothing, a man’s heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. Have you ever wondered why? Cause she smells like a new truck!!

If you prefer a particular brand of bottled water, 
you should be sent away to a special camp.

I've heard of Army, Navy, Air Force and Marine generals but, what in the Heck is the Surgeon general??? What does he do, order people to shoot somebody and then perform surgery? Talk about "job security" huh?

Many of the problems in Rick James's life could have been avoided if he could have taken Superfreak home to mother.

for all you friends out there having troubles
here is a little bit of advice
Advi

Gotta hand it to midgets sometimes. 
You know, cause they can't reach stuff

Ok, so those first two guys that saw Superman and thought it was a Bird or a Plane, What were they so excited about?

My Islamic friend has seen the face of Allah in a tub of margarine.
I took one look at it and said "I can't believe it's not Buddha"

Okay, There's something I really need to get off my chest:
Darned Cheetos crumbs....

forget these aps that tell you what song was number one when I was born, 
I wanna know what crazy whacked out songs my parents were listening 
to when I was conceived.

Let's all pause for a moment of silence for all of those people stuck in traffic going to the gym to ride a stationary bicycle.

I Can't believe it's the Chinese New Year. 
I'm still writing Dragon on all of my checks.

It's funny when a wife gives a husband the 'silent treatment'. 
They actually think it's a punishment.

I'll never forget when I was young, playing in my parents bedroom. I looked in their nightstand and found a whip, mask and handcuffs.
I couldn't believe it. My parents were Super Heroes!!

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband 
yelling at his wife, that's weird.

If women kept their feelings to themselves, would they explode? 
Guess we'll never know.

I bet Jim Harbaugh used to unplug the Nintendo when his brother was winning.

What do you call a really fat psychic?
A four chin teller.

God has granted me the Midas Touch. 
So far today, everything I've touched has turned to gold.
Either no more Cheetos for breakfast, 
or I have to wash my hands better!!

I'll do almost anything to lose weight.
But exercising and eating properly is where I draw the line.

Why is it always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government, but don't know who won the Civil War?

With all the crazy things I've done and survived, I'm convinced it’s because God has a special purpose for me and doesn't want me to die yet. Although, more and more, I get the impression it’s just because He needs a laugh every now and then.

If I could pick 3 words that describe me, they would be
"I suck at math"

The bearded lady, 
the guy with all the body piercings, 
the dude with 14 toes, 
the geek biting the chickens head off... 
Yep, I'm in WalMart.

I tried to give the kids piggy back rides and now they're
 covered in mud and hog bites. Farms are stupid.

I put on some blueberry plum lotion and sprayed some brown sugar & fig body spray and just realized, I now smell like fruit loops,. YUM =]

Why do people with bad breath always have secrets to tell?

I need some attention today. 
Can't decide if I should go with the,
"why does this always happen to me" 
status, or a line from an Adele song

Some people just need to change their status updates to, “Needs attention.”

I hope the new Superman movie is just two hours of Clark Kent
 frantically searching for a phone booth.

Men... Don't ever try to understand women...
Women understand woman and they hate each other!!

I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I'm depressed.

Here's a bit of musical trivia i'm sure not many of you know.....
The Beatles' song, "Love Me Do" was written by John Lennon after he'd had a really good haircut.

Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again!!

Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement
 is that he was a really sloppy eater.

Sometimes, by holding on too tight, 
you end up losing what you were trying so hard to save. 
Soap, for example.

I just listed all my facebook friends as beneficiaries...
if I die today, you're all gonna clear a cool .37 cents...oh yea

I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food.
I'm not even sure where sandwiches live

I am not making the same mistake twice,
I learned my lesson last year when I awkwardly
 walked around out of place at the Tattoo Expo,
realizing I was the only one dressed as the midget from Fantasy Island, 
mumbling "De plane, de plane!!"

If it wasn't for my incredible willpower, I would be exercising right now.

If you aren't sure if you like someone, here's a test:
imagine they're dead. 
Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?

Our neighbor's dog took a dump in our garden,
 so my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.
I don't see what that solved, now we've still got a pile in our garden 
and the neighbors have our shovel.

I love Ebay. I Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.

‎1 out of 8 people suffers from multiple personality disorder 
but to that one person that statistic would be 3 out of 8.

i would so be a vegetarian
If bacon grew on trees!!

Lance Armstrong cheated this whole time? 
Well I still think it's cool he was the first man 
to ride a bike on the moon!

Friend: Bud, you're a genius!!
Me: Yeah, I get called that a lot
Friend: A genius?
Me: no, Bud

Lebron better then Jordan?
yea right, talk to me when Lebron saves the Loony Toons from an alien race!!

When someone yells “SHOTGUN”
I yell “ROSA PARKS” and sit in the front and refuse to move

If a girl tells you 
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best"
run for the hills she's a total psysco!!!

Potheads say marijuana is good for you because it is natural.
But just because it's natural doesn't mean it's completely safe.
Do you know what else is natural?
BEARS!!!!!

Sometimes when I don't want my wife to find something, I just put it in her purse.

Even at my age, I can still turn a lot of heads. 
It's mostly to see where the smell is coming from though ツ

sometimes I get very sad thinking about how the Kool-aid man has to sleep standing up to keep from spilling all that delicious Kool-aid

People pay ridiculous amounts of money for caviar, which are just fish eggs. Women don’t use all of the eggs that their bodies produce. When a woman dies, we should harvest the unused eggs and sell them. It should be called………… Cadaviar

I have this condition that keeps me from dieting. 
It’s called being freaking hungry!!

I am so terribly grateful that there were no cell phones, ipods or digital cameras back when we had to square dance in P.E.

I was in the apple store today and accidentally let out a potent 'silent but deadly'
Everyone was so ticked off at me.
But it's not my fault the don't have windows.

sometimes I get so frustrated because you
 can't put numbers in 'CAPS' 17
am I screaming that?
you will never know
NO ONE will ever know!!

Went to the eye doctor today.
He told me that in only 7 more years
I'll have 2020 vision!!

The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.

I bet karate experts have a tough time convincing their enemies to lie down flat between two cinder blocks.

Do women know how much energy we expend pretending
 we don't know why they're mad?

Wife: do you want something for dinner?
Husband: what are my choices?
Wife: Yes or No

I don't always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, 
a relative ruins it with a lame comment

I am super lazy today.
which is the same as normal lazy
except I'm wearing a cape!!

Here is a big shout out for slugs, those little guys are out there doing the
 same stuff as snails but without helmets...

Edward Scissorhand's death was probably from running.

Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. 
Maybe I won't be happy until someone loses an eye. 
Maybe that's what's been missing.

You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.

If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious

I feel sorry for children who have mimes as parents. 
That 'Birds and the Bees' talk must be really awkward!

Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. 
But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.

Our dog actually figured out how to work the can opener... I'm not worried tho, because he still can't read & just keeps opening up creamed corn

My brother took being sent to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces. After that, we vowed never to play Monopoly with him again!!

I have just finished my research on the effect alcohol has on physical movement,
 the results were staggering.

When I was in high school, this guy bragged about getting 10 times the amount of girls I get, I laughed because 10x0 is still 0.

I'm gonna be rich....
I've thought of the greatest invention of all time
A Solar powered tanning bed............

Apparently re-enacting scenes from the deadliest catch
 is frowned upon at the Red Lobster.

I've got a great business Idea.
I'm gonna name my business 'Resolutions'
The first 2 weeks of the year it will be an exercise gym.
It will then transform into a bar for the rest of the year!!

Normal people scare me, But not as much as I scare them!!

Anyone remember the good old days before Facebook, Instagram and Twitter? When you had to take a photo of your dinner, then get the film developed, then go around to all your friends' houses to show them the picture of your dinner?

If Adam and Eve doomed the human race for a piece of fruit
Imagine what they would have done for a Klondike Bar!!

Tony Romo, Michael Vick and Eli Manning all walk into a bar.......
to watch the Playoffs

OK, I've had enough. i just can't stand it when people use their Facebook statuses to gripe and complain about things they can't stand. It's quite pathetic......

Two thirds of Americans can't do fractions. The other half, just don't care.

AACK! I just realized that I'm still "it" from a game of tag in 1996. Ohhhh it is ON!

For New Years, I signed up for an exercise class.
they told me to wear loose fitting clothing.
I said "IF I HAD ANY LOOSE FITTING CLOTHES,
 i wouldn't have signed up for this class!!

If you live by the sword, I guess that's pretty cool.
I live by some trees and other houses

I tried that "Take a laxative to stop coughing, you'll be afraid to cough" remedy. 
It was going great....until I sneezed.

I once stayed at an Amish Motel 6. 
They would have left the light on for me if they had one.

My New Year’s resolution is to make better bad decisions!!!

To all my Friends: I need to be more active & spend less time on the computer, so December 31st will be my last day on Facebook for the year . I will return at the start of the New Year on January 1st. Thank you for understanding, I'll miss you all dearly

Whenever I’m sad, you’re there
Whenever I’m having problems, you’re always there
Whenever my life seems like it’s going out of control, you’re always there
Let’s face it. You’re bad luck!!

Okay everyone hold.... HOLD... we will slide down and all attack at once!"
- Ice cubes in the bottom of a cup.

Hey,,,,Can any of you people possibly recommend 30 or 40 books on hoarding?

Him: “What’s marriage like?”
Me: “Oh, can’t complain.”
Him: “That’s good.”
Me: “No, she just won’t let me.”

To this day, the boy who used to bully me in high school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches!!!

Saw someone get mugged in the street so I called the Police. 
Sting told me to stop bothering him.

It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting 
because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye" 

I once dated a girl in a wheelchair. After she broke up with me I stole her wheel chair. And, before you knew it, she came crawling back to me

Some say that PMS is nothing but girls ovary acting

There are still 362 more days til Christmas and some people 
already have their lights up, geez.

I don’t like to think before I speak.
I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

I don't have health insurance, but I do have car insurance. 
So whenever I get sick I just go crash my car into a tree

Turns out company doesn't love misery.

I've long accepted the fact my parents were Santa. 
But what I still don't get is how they manage to deliver all the presents 
around the world in a single night

I’m not happy right now!
Someone has eaten all of the figgy pudding! ツ

No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set, 
therefore Santa exists!!

What a lousy holiday season. I can't get anyone to color eggs with me tonight!!

Be Thankful for friends. 
They may be God's way of apologizing for family members.

Dear Santa, 
Before I try to explain
Just how much do you already know?

I'll start to believe that video games create violent killings the day someone gets arrested for killing a pig by catapulting a bird at it

Just a reminder that according to the Mayans,
 the world was supposed to end yesterday!!
On a side note, If you have any Mayan friends,
 a new calendar would make a stellar Christmas gift!!

If the Mayan's taught us anything, it's that if you don't finish something, it's not the end of the world!!

I'm OK with house hunting as long as it's done humanely and 
you eat all the houses you kill.

I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. 
This week, I'm up to 1 hour a day. 
I'm slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.

Give a woman a compliment, she'll smile for a day.. 
Teach a woman to fish for compliments & she'll be annoying for the rest of her life.

Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

A giant spider just attacked the back of my neck and then 
quickly morphed back into my t-shirt tag!

Al Gore should release a Rap/R&B cd. 
He could call it Algorithms!

There is this awesome new feature on Facebook for people who constantly complain about everything. Instead of asking you 'What's on your mind?' 
it will now say "Now What?"

Just used Craigslist for my Christmas shopping. 
Good news; Everyone's getting used couches!

Want to know if grammar matters?
go to google and type in: How can u (see which choices it starts to give you"
then type in : how can an individual (see which choices it gives you)

Some people can drown in two inches of water. 
I’m not reciting facts, I’m making suggestions.

The problem with the world today is that
it is full of intelligent people who are full of doubts 
and stupid people who are full of confidence!!

I mixed crazy clue with my Prozac. Now it’s just glue!!

Christmas used to be the best when I believed in Santa Claus....
i wanna be 15 again

Every time I drive past a hitchhiker I smile and wave 
thinking maybe they're just liking my status.

The Inventor of the bar code died recently at 91. 
Several burial attempts were made before a manager 
was called to enter him into the ground manually.

At first notice, the word "Diputseromneve" looks quite ridiculous. 
However, if you read it backwards it is even more stupid.

Hey, ya know what's more fun than a baby who has just learned
 to take off his own diaper?
.......... everything
...........everything is more fun than that

Sometimes I feel unqualified to be a parent and I call those times being awake.

I look so peaceful when my kids are sleeping.

I started setting up my Google+ account this weekend. I think it's cute how Google plays dumb and asks me to fill in my personal information.

When I was a kid our Christmases were very poor. 
We couldn't afford tinsel. We had to wait for grandpa to sneeze.

accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with musical instruments
 in a sentence, often goes undetected

I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, 
"Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. 
He slides up to the bar and announces:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Apparently, zoo keepers don't appreciate it when you try to
 feed marbles to the hippos!

I would be so weird if guys commented on friends profile pictures like girls do:
"Bro, you look so handsome"
"Looking hot, man"
OMG, can i like this 2X?!? You're jawline is cray!"
"Ugh, how are you so perfect, dude? I'm Jelly!"

Sometimes I stop and think 
"I know you can read my thoughts" 
just in case.

This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everybody my Opinion!!

I wonder if people in wheel chairs get depressed when they
 listen to stairway to heaven.

It's all a lie, you guys. 
After extensive research I have found that nearly ALL microbiologists are the same size as regular people.

Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn't!", he in fact did.

I'm a cubic zirconia in the rough.

Why aren't cough drops called anti-cough drops? 
We don't use bacterial soap.

I don't trust anyone who chooses a side salad over french fries.

Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they're stabbing it? 
No? 
How about now?

Why do the advertisements for women razors show a woman shaving a leg that already has no hair on it?

My family's Coat of Arms ties at the back.

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

Baby snakes probably throw a lot of hissy fits.

All you young’ens out there looking for a gal, you should get a job at the zoo taking care of the animals. Then no matter how disappointed a new gal is in you, she still has to tell her friends that you’re a keeper!!

The easiest way to tell if your wife is really listening to you is if she rolls her eyes.

Karate seems like a good skill to have if you're ever attacked by a stack of boards.

Sometimes I go bow hunting 
and when we find two good ones 
I put my hair in pigtails.

They laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. 
Well, they're not laughing anymore.

I'm gonna be rich. I'm gonna make a GPS for kids. It just keeps saying "we're not there yet, we're not there yet, we're not there yet!!"

Women say that men have it easy because we never experience childbirth. 
HELLO!!!! How the heck do they think we got here?

My grandfather was ½ Cherokee. 
When he danced, it just got really cloudy...

Time flies like a arrow
Fruit flies like bananas
Celery stalks along the highway

I wonder if Foosball tables look like mini shishkabob buffets to a cannibal.

you should purposefully cry while cutting carrots so onions
 don't think they're ugly or something.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

According to new research, too much sex can cause temporary amnesia. 
Finally, something that explains my photographic memory.

I've been avoiding exercise for a long time now. You might say I'm in the Fitness Protection Program

I already know what my dying wish will be. 
It will be to stop dying

I would love to know how it was that Cinderella was the only woman in the whole village with that shoe size?

For Christmas I'm gift wrapping a bunch of batteries for the kids with a note that says "Toy not included!!"

A man found a Genie in a bottle and was given one wish.
He wished to be desirable and irresistible to all women. 
So he was turned into a credit card!!

Promises are a bit like babies.
Fun to make but hard to deliver.

I had a messy fling with an older woman once. 
You should have heard her scream when I let go of the catapult.

Funny new trend at the office. 
People putting names on food in the company fridge. 
Today I had a tuna sandwich named Bob.

He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when your awake
He knows when you've been bad or good
So make sure you set your facebook settings to private!!

Eating junk food after working out 
does not defeat the purpose. 
It justifies the cause!!

Everyone is an animal lover. 
It just depends if you like your animals alive, or on your plate.

To the disabled man who stole my camouflage suit...
you can hide, but you can't run.

If you think about it, James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman tickling each other would pretty much be the greatest thing ever.

My nephew told me that a girl was yelling at him
and he didn't even know what he did. 
Imagine, at 7, he is already to get married.

Puns are like passed gas. 
Secretly, we all love the really bad ones.

I never thought I would be one of those people to get into eating healthy 
and working out everyday. I was right.

I bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese

If crunch berries aren't considered ‘fresh fruit’
I don’t think this diet is going to work out

I want to me a millionaire, just like my dad. 
he wasn't a millionaire either, but he always wanted to be

I dig
you dig
we dig
he dig
she dig
they dig. 
Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.


My chiropractor said I needed a posture alignment, 
But I think he was just pulling my leg

I think the most time consuming part of taking the dog for a walk 
is cleaning the poop off the treadmill

I saw a chameleon today. 
I guess it was a pretty lousy chameleon.

I'm still kind of ticked off that they never did tell us how to get to Sesame Street!!

If a redhead works in a bakery, does that make him a Ginger Bread Man?

Counting to ten when someone ticks you off 
works much better if you're counting punches.

Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch 
"Was it all fun and games up to that point?"

I cut my finger when changing spark plugs in my truck.
Which proves that it IS possible to get blood from a tune-up

I was going to leave my body to science, but science is already contesting the will and i'm not even dead yet!!

It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliant paintings of tunnels

My mom and dad just informed me that I was adopted……..
last week by another family!!

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, 
Jesus would walk all over him.

A load of books just fell on my head, 
I've only got my shelf to blame

I keep setting my DVR to record "the biggest loser"
but it keeps recording the Philadelphia Eagles games.

Don't make fun of a fat guy with a lisp.
He's probably thick and tired of it.

Does anyone know how long you can keep a chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.

I just saw the coolest thing on Pinterest!!!!!!!---
Said NO man ever!!

If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I'd start thinking about you.

Here is a 'Shout out' to all the hard of hearing people!

Need hospital etiquette advice. 
How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?

In response to the new Facebook guidelines:
I hereby declare that I don't have a clue what's mine and what's not. I've basically resigned myself to the probable fact that Mark Zuckerberg and his mates can do whatever they want with my identity if they want. I don't know how this stuff works. I've never read the terms and conditions of anything I've 'agreed' to. God knows what my legal obligations are. Yes, I should be better informed, but in order to do that, I would need to make it my primary task. Who has time for that? So, whatever, Facebook. I don't forbid you to disclose, copy, disseminate my stuff, because I assume you're way to beg and moneyed up to get around whatever limp communique I post here. I'll just keep doing what I've been doing and hope you don't ruin my life!!

Did you know that in Dubai they don't like the Flintstones?
But...Abu Dahbi do!

Couples who have been married a long time start finishing off each others sentences. The most popular ending being "Would you please just shut up"

What is it with the people who bought a 300 dollar tent to camp out in front of Bestbuy to save 20 dollars on a tv?

The amount of people who confuse "too" with "to" is just two darn high.

Thanksgiving: It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. 
The tradition is, we overeat.
'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?'
'But we do that every day!' 
'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the heck out of us?'

I don't get nearly enough credit for managing to not be a violent psychopath!!

If Hostess can't survive in America, vegetables have no hope!!

Why do people think you'll remember somebody if they say the name twice? 
"You remember Dave?".. 
"Dave who?".. 
"Dave............................Dave."

I fell down the stairs today, and may never walk again. 
I wasn't injured, I'm just really lazy

Probably the worst thing about being a penguin is after you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my back yard. I'm gonna wait til he leaves and dig it up and replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich. Man will he be surprised!!!

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make! 
Then they call me ugly and poor

I'm sitting int he darkest corner of the basement. Shivering from the cold dampness of the basement, and from being so shaken from what I've just done. a single tear rolls down my cheek. Out of the darkness, a shadowy figure says "I hope it was worth it" and slides me a Klondike bar!!

What if... birds aren't singing, they're just screaming because
 they're scared of heights?

Jeez. There is no reason to tailgate me in the SLOW LANE. Especially when I'm doing 20 mph over the limit anyways. And those stupid flashing red and blue lights on your roof make you look ridiculous.

I was at the pool one time and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. 
The lifeguard must have seen me. 
He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.

A friend of mine has changed so much since becoming a vegetarian. It's like i"ve never seen herbivore!!

For all of you guys that keep telling me that I don’t have friends, you are all wrong. I have all 10 seasons on DVD.

For all you people out there who keep trying to perfect your Aussie accent, try this. 
Say “Rise up lights” in your normal accent. 
You are now saying ‘razor blades’ in an Aussie accent. 
Great job mate!!!

I get my kicks attending random funerals and claiming to be the deceased's oldest son from his other family.

I like Subway because they make me feel like I'm making a healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

I was sitting in church this morning and there was an elderly couple sitting in front of me. The old man leaned over and whispered to his wife, I just let out a silent fart, what should I do? To which the wife replied "Get your hearing aid fixed"

I once tried Speed dating, but all these women kept screaming at me to slow the bus down under 50 mph

surprised my wife with a beautiful necklace and dinner last night...well actually, the candy necklace was her dinner...but hey, its the thought that counts

I was once in a band called The Stepchildren. A lot of people pretended to like us.

I tried grilling a chicken at lunch time. "Ok, I'll ask you one more time.
 Why did you cross the road?"

It’d be pretty messed up if the cure for cancer was in those end-slices of bread.

Midwife - People helping people get people out of people

A woman is never more persuasive than when she is holding 
a shotgun or a bacon sandwich

Good news people. Only a day or two more and you can stop hating others for their political beliefs and start hating them for their personalities again!!

A 108 year old woman in South Carolina voted this election for the very first time. Yes, she voted for Eisenhower, but good for her!!

If i ever save someone's life. I'm going to pull out my phone and say "The subject is safe, the time is ____ and the year is ____. THen I'm going to look them in the eye and say, your future great great great grandson is a very important man." and just take off running. Then they will forever be telling everyone that they were saved by someone in the future.

Instead of setting my clock back an hour, I accidentally set it forward 23 hours. Now the time is right but my days are off..........

You’re only young once. If you act like an idiot after that, 
you’re gonna need a new excuse.

If I got a dime for every time I didn't know what was going on, I'd be asking people why they're giving me dimes

Yes, you are entitled to your opinion. 
Why you insist on being wrong is beyond me, but go nuts with it

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you

Condoms were created to be used on every conceivable occasion.

A recent government survey reports that people are more cynical these days
 than any time in history.
Like I'm really supposed to believe that…

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely

A kid came to my door dressed as Tony Romo. I asked him why he had no candy in his bag. He said he used to but he turned it over

I think it's about time that Taylor Swift wrote a song called
"Maybe I am the problem"

I want to know what idiot named them 'jet skis'
instead of boatercycles!!

A guy says to the doctor, "I'm thinking about having a vasectomy."
The doctor says, "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked
 it over with your family?"
The guy says, "Yeah. They're in favor of it, fourteen to three."

You know, putting my funny statuses on facebook
is like passing gas.
some people may think they stink, 
but i am quite proud of my effort.

Yesterday, Eugene Polly, The inventor of the TV remote died.
I'd go to his funeral but it's WAY too far from my couch.

How do you look important while walking around a clipboard factory?

No one is lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.

ran into an old friend today that i hadn't seen in a long time. he had his adorable daughter with him, he said he named her after his mother-in-law. 
Psychopathic Maniac turns 3 tomorrow!!

There's no place like home. 
Unless you're a bee, in which case home is a terrible place filled with bees

It's not really such an "Easy-Bake" oven when you're trying to cook a pot roast. 
This is taking *forever*.

Say what you want about him, but I think it's pretty cool that 
Jesus spoke in red letters!!

My alcoholic friends are upset with me. 
I kept "sober" texting them at 3 in the afternoon

I have spent approximately 2.7 percent of my life walking back to the trashcan and checking the box to see how long I'm supposed to cook my food!!

If superman would have landed in Jamaica instead of Kansas when he was a baby, would he now be known as Supermon instead?

My friends and family laughed at me when I said, "Someday, I'll have as many Tour de France titles as Lance Armstrong." Never give up on the dream.

Tip of the day for the unmarried youngsters:
Make sure the person you marry looks sexy while disappointed!!

Spent 45 mins having a stare off with this totally arrogant guy two tables down at Lunch. Then he got up and grabbed his dark glasses, cane and seeing eye dog and walked off

I wife woke up this morning with a HUGH smile on her face :)
Man, I love sharpies!!!!

I accidentally ran over some geese the other day...
It gave me goose bumps!!

at any given time, the urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is just a whim away
a whim away, a whim away, a whim away!!!

I hate it when kids think I don't care about whatever the heck
 they were just talking about.

I wish I was in a gang so I knew what to do with my hands in pictures.

I told some family members a while ago to 'Think before they speak"
I haven't heard a word from them since...

When I was little I didn't care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. 
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it's obvious that my parents didn't care either.

Golf ball sized hail wouldn't be so destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.Do I have to think of everything?

You would think dressing spiders up as clowns would make them less scary, but it doesn't, it's way worse, I was so wrong on this one.

Started a new exercise routine yesterday. 
So far I've only missed one day

Have you ever seen a flock of geese flying in a V formation and wondered why one side is always longer than the other?
It's because there are more geese on that side.

I would like to say i'm sorry to everyone if my jokes sometimes seem borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean 'your welcome'

I just checked my Farmville for the first time in a year.
It's now a Walmart!!

I reviewed the statistics, crunched some numbers and calculated the risk and discovered that the chances of me get ran over while sitting on my couch are far less than they are when I am jogging. I must be lazy for my own well-being.......

Gambling addiction hotlines would do much better if every 5th caller was a winner!

whenever I hear someone yell STOP!! I get so confused.
I'm not sure if it's in the name of love, if it's hammer time or 
should I collaborate and listen!!

I heard my cat walking down the hall and I thought "his claws are too long."
Then I realized I hadn't taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot

I don't want to say that while growing up, 
my mom's cooking was bad, but we learned very early on
 to fill the shaker with smelling salts.

When my kids ask what a word means,
I tell them to bring me a dictionary. 
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google it

I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)

M.I.T. is making an iPhone app to help blind people text?
Wow,, the LAST thing we need is a bunch of blind idiots texting while they drive.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,
 so they lit a fire in the craft. 
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that 
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A huge spider crawled across my bed and now I can’t sleep 
because the firefighters are here putting out the mattress flames.

People that use big words, but not in the right context, 
are just trying to be ambidextrous.

I bought some skinny jeans… 
but they’re 2 sizes too big, so I just call them jeans

i'm going to retire and live off of my savings
What I'll do the second day, i have no idea....

I hate when I run into the 'one that got away' at the grocery store… 
and she’s all like “There’s that jerk who kidnapped me!”

Whenever I see a hitchhiker,
 I like to pretend they are just telling me 
that I am an awesome driver!!

the local movie theater was robbed last night of 254.00
the thieves took a bag of popcorn and a large drink!!

I went out for a job, but I came back in 2 minutes
 because I forgot something.
I forgot that i'm overweight and out of shape
 and can't run longer then 2 minutes!!

I can't believe someone had the nerve to write "retard" on my car window. 
Took me ages to lick it off

I am currently unsupervised. 
I know, it freaks me out too. 
But the possibilities are endless!!

My wife says I drive her nuts
because because because becaaaaauuuuuuuuse,,, 
she says I'm obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.

The morbidly obese make the best roll models.

When people with lisps say "Bithneth"
you know they mean business.

Guys, if you really want your woman to stop complaining
 about the toilet seat being up
, just try going a with it down a few times!

Walmart is opening a dental office in select stores. 
I wonder if they will have an express lane 
for people with 10 teeth or less

Can someone please explain to me why the kids from Scooby-Doo
 were afraid of people in masks, 
but were totally cool with a talking dog?!

I would like my Tombstone to read, "He was too Cheap to buy extra lett

Though a delicacy to some, most people wouldn't even try them. 
But deer testicles are one of the cheapest meats available. 
you can get them under a Buck!!

I've come to realize that some of my children
 have my sick twisted sense of humor.
 I don't know whether to be proud or scared to death!!!!

I once tried to start a business selling 'closed' signs.
But not a single person came into my store

You know you've failed somewhere in life when
 you ask your mother if she loves you
 and she says Yes, as a friend!

There's no 'i' in 'team' 
but there's 7 of them in 
"Everyone in this office is an idiot and I work better by myself."

I was on the treadmill for over an hour this morning
and I must say it is much easier with roller blades

Endless Love: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

Adam never let Eve boss him around. He wore the plants in the relationship

Was gonna go see a palm reader today, 
but as I was sitting down,
 I accidentally knocked over her crystal ball.
 It ended up costing me a fortune

Here is a neat Magic trick, you’ll be amazed: 
Take your age
subtract three
now add three. 
Is that's your age? Ta-Da!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If your wife asks you "Do you still love me now
 that I'm getting old and fat?" 
"you're not old" is an inappropriate response.

Sometimes. I don't understand women. 
Other times. They are sleeping.

My buddy texted me, asking if I wanted to go see Saw
 with a couple friends.They thought the movie was terrible,
 but that was nothing compared to the terrible time I had
 sitting in the playground all night waiting for them to show up!!

As I've gotten older, every time I look in the mirror
 I see my dad more and more.
 I guess its time to move out, its starting to get weird.

It's it amazing that a woman can have an entire argument 
with a man without the man ever saying a word?

Sometimes I wonder if the old men sitting on the benches
 in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping
 were old when they sat down....

a new study suggests that people who feel lonely 
don’t sleep as soundly as other people,
 because it’s hard to get comfortable with all those cats in your bed.

Science Fact: There is a species of antelope that is capable
 of jumping higher then the average house. 
This is due to the antelope's powerful hind-legs
 and the fact that the average house can't jump!!

I don't mean to brag, but pretty much every pot
 I've ever watched has boiled.

This is my Facbook status
'like' it or not....

Tomorrow I am going to dig up and open the time capsule 
I buried when I was a kid. Cannot wait to see
 how big my puppy has gotten!

If at the end of the day you have the same number of kids 
you started out with that morning, 
then you've done your job as a parent.

Don't buy the new Helen Keller ringtone. 
I had the volume on my phone all the way up 
and I still missed 7 calls today!!

Too many herbs have messed up my omelet this morning.... 
If only I could turn back thyme...

Before I post my Facebook statuses, I test them out on my wife first.
If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, I know it has potential!!

I just burned 1200 calories.
I forgot the pizza in the oven

Got some Flip Flops at the dollar store,
 actually they're Flop Flips and they only make the slappy sound
 if you're backing up...but hey...$1. Yay!!!

If you can't take the heat, 
you're really going to hate my flamethrower.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
 but I’d never met herbivore.

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters
 who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs

This dude fell at Walmart and my CPR training instantly kicked in.
 I had to hit him with the defibrillator like three times though 
cause he kept resisting.....

I just read 50 shades of grey by Sherwin-Williams.
 I don’t get what all the fuss is about.

It's not the size of the ship nor the motion in the ocean...
it's whether the Captain can stay in port long enough 
for all the passengers to get off..

Trying to write a screenplay about an overcrowded cemetery 
but there's no plot.

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and say
"I'd tap that!!" 

Do Canadians call regular bacon "American Ham"? 

Sometimes I put my hands on the floor
tuck my head into my chest and lean forward
cause that's how I roll. 

If I could be a superhero, I'd be Aluminum Man... My superpower would be foiling crime 

There is only one thing that is cuter then the cutest cat in the world.
ANY DOG 

I thought my Doctor was totally crazy for giving me LSD to treat my constipation, until I saw a Fire-Breathing dragon and I was cured!!! 

How do you tell if you've lost an argument on Facebook? 
Well first, you're are in an argument on Facebook. 

I's a shame that Neil Armstrong died. Right after he was stripped of his seven tour de france titles too. Oh well, at least now he's playing that big trumpet in the sky!! 

Not having tattoos is suddenly a great way to express your individuality 

Roses are red
Violets are red
Shrubs are red
Trees are red
OMG! My yard is on fire! 

I was just about to poach an elephant the other day, when I suddenly thought to myself, 
"I'm gonna need a bigger saucepan." 

So excited that The Weather Channel picked up "Weather" 
for another season!! 

Think about this for a sec.
Did you realize that it is IMPOSSIBLE to tiptoe around
without activating your T-rex arms? 

Don't mess with me! 
My karate might be rusty 
but that means that if I hit you, you get tetanus ! 

I've been trying to improve some vegan recipes,
but so far all I've come up with is "add steak." 

Whenever my parents talk about 'the good old days' they always seem to stop at 1969. Which is pretty cool, because that's also the year I was born... wait... what? 

"Im never gonna danthh again/ Cauth guilty feet have got no rhythm/ Though ithh eathhy to pretend I know you're not a fool" -Careless Lisper 

Two Facebook addicts walk into a bar. 
One turns to the other and says.................
NOTHING, cause he's just staring down at his phone 

They say that carrots help you see in the dark -
that is such a LIE! 
After 5 minutes of walking into stuff, 
I switched back to using a light 

To all you guys wearing skinny jeans, 
I think you took the term 
‘getting into her pants’ the wrong way! 

I was delivered by C-section. 
I think thats what led me to have such low self esteem...
Why wasnt I worthy of and A or at least B-Section..? 

I was at the store today and I heard a
A Wife say to her Husband
"You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back". 
He says "what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair" 

I just ate a whole can of pringles.
I am very disappointed.
There were only 3 of them
and they were tennis ball flavored.... 

What do people in China call their good dishes? 

I wish I could sleep. But my darn A.D.D. kicks in and well basically, one sheep, two sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol Mcdonald had a farm.... HEEEEEY Macarena!!! 

Only God can Judge Me!....
and some family, a few friends, the neighbors, 
definitely a couple co-workers! 
And all my Facebook friends!!! 

I have a fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it 

I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East. 

If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, 
I wish I had some ice cream!! 

I get my revenge by sneaking into ladies public toilets at night 
and lifting all the toilet seats up. 

I have no respect for today's gangs! 
They just drive by and shoot people. 
At least in the old days, like in ''West Side Story'', 
the gangs used to dance with each other first!! 

I know a lot about cars. 
I can look at any car's headlights and tell you 
exactly which way it's coming. 

Whatever you do, always give 100 percent!!! 
Unless you’re donating blood 

My bucket list is just a list of things I want to eat a bucket of.... 

I was at this store minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. 

Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in the commercials 

I wanted to stop at McDonalds for lunch, but the line was too wide 

I once dated a girl with a parrot. 
The thing was crazy and wouldn’t shut up. 
The parrot was cool though. 

I accidentally took a multivitamin for women. I have been trying to get dressed for 3 hours now but everything makes me look fat!! 

A picnic is a great way to see what all the foods you love would taste like if you added ants 
When I was a younger man girls used to "check me out". 
Now women just "keep an eye on me" 

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, 
I would choose alive,,, because eating with dead people is just creepy. 

Facebook, where people can pretend to be everything they really aren't to the friends they really don't have 

I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life!! 

I just killed my alarm clock. ~ it was about time 

My Ultra sensitive toothpaste hates it when I use other toothpastes 

Some dude just yelled at me for texting and driving...
I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business. 

The last day of the Olympics should have all the Gold medalists playing dodgeball to determine the ultimate champion!! 

A co-worker once said to me,
"Could you be any more annoying?" 
So the next day I wore tap shoes to work 

My uncle came out of the closet yesterday. 
He's not gay.
He has Alzheimer's and thought it was the car. 

If there was a way to read a woman's mind...
I'm still not sure I'd want too...
I hate shoes, shopping, gossip & I already know I'm annoying 

The clearer your conscience, the more likely you are to answer a call from an unknown number 

This morning, there were two sisters having a 
fight over the breakfast table. 
One is 14 and the other is 6.
The 14 year old yelled to the 6 year old "well, Santa isn't real!!" 
The 6 year old plucked up some courage and yelled back 
"Yea, well neither is Edward Cullen!!"
One of the girls ran from the table crying.
I think we can guess which one it was!1 

McDonalds being the official restaurant of the Olympics 
is like Smoke being the official medicine of Cancer! 

It sucks when you see a sign in a bathroom that says "Employees must wash hands" and you wait there for over and hour and nobody comes to wash your hands!! 

I went to a restaurant today and wanted to 
put their number in my phone.
So I asked the waitress "Can I have your number?"
She thought I meant her number.
Red faced I stammered out "I mean the restaurants number"
Even more red faced I said "Not that I wouldn't want your number"
Face redder yet, I let loose that "I'm Married" 
And proceeded to hold up my hand where my wedding right would be
but for the fact that I don't wear it to work.
Now face blazing like the sun of Krypton, I said "I will shut up now!!"
She then gave me a sarcastic "Smooth!!"
Yup, I still got it!! 

when people ask me for advice, i tell them 'Use your best judgement", which obvioulsy they don't have if they are asking me for advice. 

I got fired from the quality control department at the mirror factory. 
They all looked perfect to me!! 

I took two stuffed dogs I had tothe Antiques Roadshow...
"Ooh," Said the presenter, "This is a very rare breed, 
do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were in good condition?"...."
Sticks?" I replied. 

I accidently gave my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick last week. 
She is still not talking to me 

one lazy afternoon, the wife and I were talking and I told her that when I die, I want her to immediatly sell all my stuff. 
She asked 'Why?" and I said, "because I don't want some other jerk using all my stuff."
She then said, "What makes you think I'd marry another jerk?" 

The best way to get a woman to argue with you 
is to say something!! 

I'd give anything if I could just hear George Jefferson call us
 "Honky" one more time! 

An old guy says to the doctor, "Doc, I can't pee."
The doctor says, "How old are you?"
The guy says, "Ninety-six."
The doctor says, "You've peed enough." 

I stopped believing for a short while this morning.
Journey is going to be so ticked when they find out!! 

Know how to prevent sagging? 
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. 

A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting seasick. The doctor says, "Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock." The guy says, "Will that keep me from getting sick, Doc?" The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water." 

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. 

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. 

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it
 "Do not eat if seal is broken." 
So I opened up the box, and sure enough... 

ME and a buddy were walking down the street tonight when a mugger approached us and demanded our money. We both grudgingly pull out our wallets and begin taking out our cash. Before we turn it over to the mugger, I take a twenty out of my cash and hand it to my buddy and say "Here's that money I owe you". 

There are three stages of sex in a man's life: 
Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly. 

I always tense up before I drive into a tunnel because I'm afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there 

Saran Wrap is 50 years old today.
Well, it's actually 52 years old, 
but it took two years to get the roll started. 

What if the sun was racist against fair skinned people
and chooses to burn them out of hate? 

What if girls had apostrophies instead of periods? 
They would be even more possesive and prone to contractions. 

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs 

I just saw that show 'Toddlers and Tiaras'. 
I was thinking, they should do a follow-up show in ten years
to see what happens to the kids.
Then I realized they already made a show like that.
It's called 'Sixteen and Pregnant." 

Who cares what Dr. Oz says? 
He used to be a Wizard, now he's only a Doctor. 
What a loser. 
He is clearly on the way down. 

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going? 
Me: I was trying to keep up with traffic. 
Cop: There is no traffic.
Me: That`s how far behind I am! 

Crying is not necessarily a sign of weak character. 
Sometimes it is a sign of strong onions. 

How do you know you're allergic to cats if you've never even tasted one? 

I'm trying to be healthy and grow my own food 
but I can't find any Twinkie seeds. :/ 

Please copy and paste this to your status if you are constantly being asked to copy and paste things to your status by friends who copy and paste things to their statuses. Most people won't copy and paste this, but my truly sarcastic friends will copy and paste this because they know it was copy and pasted from a dear friend in need of more stuff to copy and paste. If you don't copy and paste this, then it means that you hate bacon. And if you hate bacon, then the terrorists win!!! 

Vacations are a great way to spend thousands of dollars to stare at your phone in exotic locations. 

To all you Justin Beiber haters out there
I must tell you that I owe my life to Beiber. 
About 6 months ago I was in a coma for weeks. 
The nurse then put on a Justin Beiber song. 
I then proceeded to get up and turn off the radio!! 

Don't you hate it when you spend hours practicing a joke to recite to your friends, then when you finally get to tell it, you punch up the mess line? 

The worst thing about having ADD and OCD is that I forget to wash my hands 50 times a day. 

Hanging is the number one cause of death for stick figure people 

Never look for leftover fireworks in your car with a lighter. 
Good news is I now have a sunroof. 

The good news about being middle-aged is that the glass is still half-full.
The bad news is that pretty soon your teeth will be floating in it. 

When I was a kid I could toast marshmallows over my birthday candles. 
Now I could roast a turkey! 

When I was younger, I could remember anything, 
whether it happened or not. 

I hope Jessica Biel names her first kid Batmo 

I was just hugged and then mauled by a bipolar bear 

Sometimes I question my sanity. 
Sometimes it replies. 

Wow, people at the airport can be so dumb sometimes.
I went to the counter and asked for a round trip ticket.
The lady asked "Where to?"
I said "Back here of course, duh!!!!!" 

I believe in looking out for Number One. 
Especially if the dog hasn't been house trained. 

There should be a children's song "If you're happy and you know it,
 keep it to yourself and let your Dad sleep." 

What do we want? 
A cure for short-term memory loss! 
When do we want it? 
When do we want what? 

You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee. 

I once did a theatrical performance about puns. 
It was a play on words. 

It's so hot, I saw two trees fighting over a dog!! 

It's so hot out there, that even Mitt Romney seems cool!!! 

To the Kindergarten teacher that I kicked in the shin because I didn't want to take a nap, I am sorry.
I was really in a bad mood when I dropped my son off. 

My bucket list is still half Original Recipe,,, and half Extra Crispy. 

Apple cobbler? 
Uh, No thanks
If I ever want shoes made for my apples
I'll buy them at the mall where they're cheaper
I'm NOT an idiot.. 

Apparently.....hospital bed pans are only for the patients?? 

You can really tell who your friends are 
by looking at your friends list. 

To all those who said I couldn't make a joke about blind people... 
watch me. 

Ohhhhhh , when your's down near the sea 
and an eel bites your knee....Thats a MORAY 

When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.
After a while, my mom said, "Just use a spoon, will ya?
 You're not a Jedi." 

Perspective is everything. 
The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle 
to the live lobsters in the ship's galley. 

I'm sorry we fought. 
I hate it when you're wrong. 

If you have ever laughted so hard your butt actually fell off, things would stop being funny real quick 

If I could put one thing in the U.S. Constitution, it would be 
"In order to wear Yoga Pants, one must have a Yoga Body." 

I was so hot today, I saw a featherless sparrow wearing a G-string.
It was a thong-bird 

On the off chance I'm captured by cannibals, I've got a 'Best if eaten by 1975' tattoo on my neck. 

If you have a problem with me, text me.
If you don't have my number than that means you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me 

What is a true friend?
A true friend will bring you a fresh pair of pants and undies after an little 'accident' and not tell anyone!!!
on an unrelated note: Is there anyone out there near the Mays Landing Taco Bell not doing anything important at the moment? 

gas costs more than milk 
I found out today that my car is lactose intolerant. 

Please be alert and help if you can! 
Every year many children leave their homes and go to Mime School 
and are never heard from again! 
Please speak up for these silent victims! 

Geeesh, Nobody seems to care about all the times 
I DIDN'T drop the baby. 

Apparently,, re-enacting scenes from "Deadliest Catch" are frowned upon at Red Lobster. 

Just received a text from my wife saying, 
"You're a childish jerk sometimes."
I was so annoyed. 
I thought I'd hidden her phone really well this time. :( 

People who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once! 

If watching TV in your underwear, while eating cheese puffs is wrong, then they shouldn't put couches in Best Buy!! 

Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses?.....
That's as crazy as the low low prices at Dave's Furniture Emporium 

I found a tin of meat in the cupboard, and as soon as I opened it, 20 more tins appeared
................ darn spam. 

It's so hot out there, i saw a bird blow on a worm before he ate it!! 

If you beat the life out of someone with a violin. You could be described as having been instrumental in their death 

I once wrote a book on penguins once.
In hindsight, paper would have been a lot easier. 

Having a good vowel movement keeps me from being consonantpated 

I asked a homeless girl if I could take her home. 
She said yes with a big smile... 
So I walked off with her cardboard box. 

I was walking down a street today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought.. 
"Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" 
And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson! 

For Fathers Day The kids made me breakfast in bed. 
It’s extremely hard to cook food in a bed, 
and now his bed sheets are ruined. 

I'm just replanting these carrots and onions... 
I'm a catch-and-release vegetarian. 

What's white and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?  
A refrigerator 

Father's Day is the day you give Dad something you found in the discount bin at the Dollar Store and bought with the leftover money you borrowed from him to buy Mom something cool for Mother's Day 

I've decided I'm not going to focus on my past anymore. 
So, if I owe you money, I'm sorry. 

I tried to share a sandwich with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night. He told me to get lost and buy my own. 

If I ever get a tattoo,I am going to get a grape, 
that way when I am old,it will be a raisin. 

I read "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" in 4 hours yesterday.
I know it's only 6 words, but I was still impressed with myself. 

I bet karate experts have a tough time convincing their enemies to lie down flat between two cinder blocks. 

What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?............ 
The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm. 

I'm still waiting for the episode of Extreme Home Make Over where they demolish a hobo's cardboard box and build him a crate... 

A quiet man is a thinking man...
A quiet woman is usually MAD 

The Dallas Cowboys are now offering peanut-free seating 
for fans with severe allergies... 
Cowboy officials said they want to make sure that 
gagging and choking only occur on the field 

Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right. 
Tomorrow I'm going to try three. 

Sometimes I put laxatives in my dishwasher to help relax my bowls. 

Men and women shop differently.
Men know what they want before they see it. 
Women don't know what they want until they see it.
A man will pay 2 dollars for 1 dollar item he needs
A woman will pay 1 dollar for 2 dollar item she doesn't need 

There's nothing like shaving off your beard to remind everybody why your face needed a beard 

Announcing “I’m offended” is basically telling the world you can’t control your own emotions, so everyone else should do it for you 

We hate what we do not understand.
I'm not really sure what that phrase means
but it's stupid! 

I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son. 

I've reached the most difficult moment in parenting: 
explaining to my kids why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4 

I just heard that Paul McCartney is throwing a fit now that he realizes his new wife spends twice as much on shoes as his last wife... 

I don't get why everyone told me how great it is to swim with dolphins. 
I was stuck in a tuna net for five days. 

Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. 
I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button. 

When comforting someone who is illiterate, 
I always say softly, "There, their, they're." 

had to quit my part-time job crushing soft drink cans. 
It was soda pressing. 

Little known Biblical fact. 
Jesus Drove a Honda. 
He just didn't like to talk about it. 
want proof? 
John 12:49 - for I did not speak of my own accord 

My motto : Dumb is a five letter word. 

I want to get a job at the U.S. Mint. 
I hear everyone there makes a lot of money 

I just discovered I have a super power!
I can be invisible... 
Oh no no wait, I'm just being ignored. 

Cops don't like it when you ask them "Need some help?" 
especially when you're wearing a Batman costume. 

BTW,, I won't walk a mile even in my own darn shoes,,,, So, 

An expert has predicted computers 
will eventually replace paper altogether. 
He has obviously never tried to wipe his butt with a laptop! 

If you love someone, let them know often
Because you might not be able to say it again.